Spiritual Bulimia

'Tis the New Year, and many resolutions tend to revolve around food and health changes. Recently at the gym one could notice an unusual crowd. In the sauna I could not help but overhear two very big girls discussing their disgust with themselves for slipping so far off their diets -- "Eating like pigs. It is now time to detox”, they said. The one was informing the other about healthy alternatives and how they are easy to make and delicious too. She clearly had a certain knowledge as to wholesome eating verses empty calories or too many carbs. However, from the looks of her she was still struggling greatly with portion control.

Last summer we had a visit at my in-laws. My mother-in-law said something that struck me, and the sentiment stuck with me. The conversation was around the subject of communion. I do not remember her exact wording, but the idea was one of disdain for other churches that have communion weekly. At first I couldn't quite wrap my mind around why this would bother anyone, but after some time, I think I now grasp the essence of what she was saying, and why for her this was bothersome.

In my in-laws spiritual practice of Christianity, they only take communion once a month. It is a sacred ritual and it is a big deal. They always prepare for each Lord's Day (or Sunday) by bringing their hearts and minds off of earthly pursuits and making it a day of worship and rest. It is not a day of entertainment or shopping after church is over. When a communion Sunday is approaching the preparations are even more diligent. As they approach the sacred ritual, there is an extra keen sense of what the day will bring. It is a time to be sober and quiet in order to receive his gifts of blood and wine and truly embody the deep spiritual significance that this ritual brings with it.

The more I learn and read about rituals, the more my understanding of them shifts. The outward actions are really a mirror for an inner transformation. They can also be seen as a sort of spiritual Tai Chi. You go through the motions, but not like a mindless workout, but rather one with breath and focus and full awareness. The outward actions are done with care and attention for what they represent, then what they represent begins to transform the being who performs them, to a place of communion. It is not meant to be a mere task to be checked off a list, nor to take the place of an addiction in the sense of believing. It is the only way to connect and doing to appease the drive, the obsession. It is not to be motivated by a sensation that was once attained. It is a sacred honor, an act of worship, to be handled with care. I am beginning to see what my mother-in-law was bothered by.

In my family and extended family, I have experienced personally and seen a lot of bulimia or varying forms of eating disorders. One aunt who drinks barely black tea with lemon all day long, occasionally allows herself a yogurt at lunch and then binges at dinner. Some nights are reasonable, and others the hunger takes over and later is the complaining of being bloated, only to start the fast again first thing AM. Another used to run marathons on mustard sandwiches and cough drops, until a nutritionist set her on a better program. My brother was a model of health, a triathlete who ate grape nuts and wasa crackers, but occasionally he would overdo the ice cream and so would visit the bathroom for the purge. One could call it a family curse, a penchant for extreme and obsessive behaviors in regards to food – binging and purging.

I experienced a short bout of traditional bulimia with food as an adolescent. I wanted to look like the models’ bodies I saw in the magazines. This unhealthy eating cycle for me did not last too long. I was thirteen at the time and the household situation was particularly turbulent. Perhaps I was not diligent enough in my bulimia, or my binges were greater than my purges, but basically I did not begin to resemble the models in the magazines. I was still a rather short, very athletic and curvy young lady. I decided to stop one day, my inner self knowing it was not a good thing, and I did.

The body image issues persisted, and perhaps to a much lesser degree at certain vulnerable times still do. I did become quite thin at some point, but not from binging and purging – more from not eating much at all, meticulously counting and measuring calories and exercising (a lot – a whole, whole lot). I was a dancer now, and had the affinity for pale skin and protruding bones, although I do not think it could be categorized as true anorexia. I liked being this thin. I wanted to see bones and muscle, and I did and it felt good. I did not look in the mirror and think I was fat, but nonetheless, it was extreme in its nature and not a healthy nurturing approach to food and body image.

Yes, I have witnessed and participated in different degrees of "eating issues" along with my family. As I go through life I see how this same binge/purge, addictive/obsessive type behavior can manifest in many, many ways and areas. A relative of mine a few years back asked if I had any advice about her daughter who was currently struggling with bulimia. I was not sure exactly how to respond because as I mentioned earlier, I think my case with bulimia was a bit different and mostly short lived. But at the time I advised her to seek out Christ. I wondered subsequently if this felt like an empty response, that maybe she was looking for more practical tips? Today though I think my intuition was right, if understood properly. "Seek Christ and one WILL find" not just him, but the deep spiritual issues that cloud our very way to him. I truly believe that all problems or issues that one struggles with in their nature are spiritual. Perhaps one is hoarding, or stuffing because they have forgotten God's abundance and are living in a mindset of poverty, fear of not having enough, not being enough. Perhaps one is trying to be in "control", unable to trust that all is already perfectly in control and properly guided.

There are so, so very many possibilities, but in the end one truly has to seek within and find where their own fears, lacunas, insecurities exist, and then begin to replace these falsehoods with Truth. Then one's life which is being transformed on the inside will begin to reflect those changes in the outside world. The daily practice of seeking will not only reveal one’s inner state, but also the keys to what needs to shift and why. It may not happen in a day, or a week, or a year, but eventually these subtle shifts begin to manifest and transform our existence. One is being regenerated in his image, because he beholds the image we crave, and no substitution will suffice, nor fill the void.