It seems my religious instinct was operating from an early age. I remember being curious and inquisitive about these things, asking my Christian grandmother her perspective. I befriended another little girl in the complex where my grandparents resided. Her name was Tammy, and she stayed with her auntie Ruth. They used to invite me to church with them and then we would go out for pancake breakfasts. I cherished those times and was a more-than willing participant.
Jordan Peterson, Canadian psychiatrist and scholar, says, "The religious instinct, not properly channeled, goes awry." This can happen to even the sincerest seekers, but I feel now in the world I see this happening in an unprecedented way. People who have outright rejected God and religion with a vengeance, have taken to moral high grounds and authoritarianism with the harshest of terms. Agree and adopt our value system, obey, or you are cancelled. We will go to extremes to publicly shame you, take away your vocation, and harass your family.
One of the great ironies is that one of the complaints commonly voiced in regards to the rejection of God or religion is this perceived list of rules to which man must adhere and the judgements that follow. Of course, when understood properly, God's commands are not for Him. God needs nothing from us, and remains in a state of loving forgiveness, ready to receive us when we turn to Him. He truly desires our good. Our innate knowledge of those goods play out in our own conscience: when we follow God's commands, our best interest is at heart, and our highest potential can be achieved. We do not have to run and hide from our own being. Conversely, when we follow merely our own desires and emotions, things will inevitably turn out less than stellar.
The mind is capable of justifying just about anything. It is almost astounding the level of self-deception a mind can create in order to maintain a sense of its own righteousness. The deeper parts of our being always knows the Truth and sees the lie. You can run, but you can never really hide. God knows and sees the deepest aspects of our heart and mind, and we know it too, even when we deny that very knowing.
We cherish our free will, and rightly so, but we have to aim to guide our freewill for our good. God's commands lead us to that place. Being fallen, we will fail, and fall. That is when we humble ourselves in repentance and aim once again to follow his will. We can have the assurance that even as we fail, we are loved, and worthy of love. We are asked to give up our lives, not for something worse, a prison of rules and judgements, rather for something better — the best version of ourselves, with a conscience that is not in hiding but in resting, resting in humble submission to that which is truly right and good.
As I reflect on my journey I realize a pitfall in which I fell and see many Christians fall. Jesus was compassion and mercy, humble in all things. He was not too proud to fall to his knees and wash his disciples feet, the same disciples who often misunderstood his teachings and ultimately betrayed him.
One thing Jesus was not, was overly passive or fearful. As he was perfect Love, fear was cast out. He was indeed the Prince of Peace, but not in exchange for the forsaking of Truth. I think for a long time I sought to be peaceful at all costs, to always try to choose the path of love, mercy and forgiveness. Of course, I failed time and again. More recently, I realized my aim was awry. In the end these behaviors often led to feelings of being under appreciated, misunderstood, or downright used and abused. In my mind I couched these behaviors as somehow being the moral/spiritual high ground. The truth is more complex, as is usually the case. Yes, these are good things in and of themselves, absolutely things we are called to aim for, but not only. These ideas were safe and comforting, did not ruffle any feathers....until they did, usually after the fact, when I dealt with the backlash of undesirable feelings. Then I would wrestle with the feelings, trying to eradicate them with forgiveness for the other. Anyone who has tried to forgive knows it is a process, sometimes a very long one. We think we have forgiven, only to be brutally reminded in a moment of triggering how little we have actually forgiven.
The world is not a peaceful place. It is filled with the worst manner of sin — lies, deceptions, jealousy, anger, hatred, greed...the list goes on. What I was not exercising by facing the world in these holier-than-thou approaches of peace-at-all-costs, was my own fear. Fear of rejection, fear of not being liked, fear of "stirring the pot", fear of sitting in uncomfortable emotions, my own or another's. I was not able to trust the process of being honest in truth and knowing that was enough. The end result was I was denying Jesus in his fullness and denying myself.
The Truth hurts. The Truth pierces like a two edged sword. Sometimes not speaking in truth to avoid conflict or an unpleasant situation can cause much greater harm and demise in the long run. Jesus did not needlessly rebel against society or hierarchal structures to gain attention or tear something down. He did not act this way in an addictive adrenaline rush from the exhilaration of conflict. He did so in Truth. He was not afraid to show the Pharisees their hypocrisy or to overturn the money changers in the temple for making the house of the Lord a den of thieves. He spoke and acted both in Truth and courage as well as mercy and compassion. Ultimately his Truth was too much for people to handle, and it sealed his fate. Even so, he was not afraid to live out his purpose. Every action in his life was in submission to God's sovereign plan and will. His Truth in action led to influence and saved untold numbers of people and continues to do so two thousand plus years later.
All of our daily interactions and decisions take discernment, but now I feel a new sense of resolve in 2022. I will no longer walk in fear. I will speak the Truth where I am able and walk simultaneously in Love and mercy. I will no longer sacrifice one for the other. The price to pay is too high, it is sacrificing the fullness of ones own soul.
The culture in the world right now is a testament to its own circular demise. The modern social fabric based outside of God's laws are rooted in a house divided. A house divided can not stand.
