Covid Thoughts: A Journey Through Time and Chance to Hope and Meaning

Here I am, God. It is a Sunday afternoon and church is canceled.....again. Not because of rain or cold, but rather new, tighter Covid restrictions. How much we have enjoyed recently being back at St. Matthew’s outdoor services. We have  profited from receiving Christ’s body and blood (in word) and sacrament. The holy blessing of Father Steve’s most comforting and empathetic tone. We are united as a family in our home church – yet another strange and bizarre circuitous blessing  of Covid 19- 2020!!

St. Matthew’s was our first church in Richmond and we spent about 5 years there and both of our boys attended their preschool. Then due to various reasons, I ended up having some nice singing opportunities at a downtown church, and Calvin was asked to accompany for a startup church in a retirement community in Midlothian. We decided at the time that these were important opportunities that we both felt called to try. 

So for the past 6 years Sunday mornings were very hectic. Calvin would get up early and go to his church in Midlothian to accompany the service. I had the luxury of waking up a little later, but the burden of getting two children ready and out of the house to make it in time for choir rehearsal downtown before the service. Calvin would finish his church and rush over to my church so we could take communion together. Then we would gather ourselves in two cars and head home for brunch. 

Then came Covid — no more choir and no more church in Midlothian in the retirement community. Next, through the mother of one of Soren’s preschool friends, I was invited to join St. Matthew’s women’s book club. It was something to look forward to each week. It was also joyful to reconnect with some of my St. Matthew’s friends. We had heard for a while how wonderful the new rector was and were curious to attend one of his sermons. Then it seems as fate would have it, the opportunity to go back to St. Matthew’s became apparent. Calvin admitted he had grown weary of our Sunday morning routine and for a while had wished there were a way we could go to church together again as a family, and so it is that Covid answered that prayer for him.

I have wanted to write for so long, yet it  seems I had a writer’s block of sorts. Practical excuses are easy to come by, but when there is a will, there is a way. Wiser, sadder, humbled, more patient, less stressed? A few of many more descriptives for me personally on my Covid mountain, valley, and forest. A friend once spoke to me about her “journey” and said a phrase that really struck me. “It was as though I had to become and confront my worst self in order to become better than previously”, she said. This thought and understanding really takes on a whole new meaning in Covid. I know I personally felt this at times and I think others too have had this experience. In the beginning a wave of confusion and disbelief, followed by some attempt at normalcy amid the abnormal. The great descent, giving up, becoming our “not-so-great versions of ourselves”, then reorganizing one step at a time.Trying and trying again. 

I don’t exactly know where to start after such a long writing pause, but I suppose the right here, right now is a good place. I have hope with a new politics (hopefully less contentious) and a vaccine, that perhaps things will take shape in a way that in general people may feel a little safer and less threatened.

This AM Calvin and I listened to Tim Keller giving a talk on Hope. We also read Ecclesiastes 9 together. So much to penetrate and think upon. At first reading one might not find this passage particularly uplifting or hopeful. Verse 2 ‘It is the same for all since the same events happen to the righteous and the wicked, to the good and the evil, to the clean and the unclean, to him who sacrifices and him who does not sacrifice. As the good one is, so is the sinner, and he who swears is as he who shuns an oath.’

One might read and think, why make the effort? But I believe if one digs into this passage there is a freedom to be found. It can be tricky and admittedly takes a little mental massaging to balance the vanity of existence, its passing nature, with a motivation to do and be our best. I know I personally have struggled with this dual nature of existence. My experience is that if one can get past the focus of the long term vanity and ultimate fading of the material, including our own physical bodies, and really rest in a sovereign plan that God has laid forth, then there is indeed something freeing. We can be our best, or our worst self, and still the perfection is among us. Grace is available when we gain the strength to try and try again. We can let go of the burden of controlling the outcome and simply be in the present moment with grace and gratitude.

Verse 7, ‘Go eat your bread with joy and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already approved what you do.’ Or verse 9, ‘Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun.’ It seems the directive is something like, do your best, be your best, but ultimately it matters not, so do so with a light hand. Forgive yourself as he forgives you, nourish and immerse yourself in the moments of joy, but don’t try to hold on, for they will pass. Feel the pain of the failure or the loss, but then let it pass. His plan is laid, and you are being led to be doing and experiencing exactly what you are in each moment, beyond that is not in your hands. It is a little scary and requires some faith and trust, but ultimately there is a hidden gem in the balance of being and doing with a light hand, allowing the past to be the past, the future to be the future and the moment to be supreme. 

The final line of this passage is quite striking. Verse 18, ‘Wisdom is better than weapons of war, but one sinner destroys much good.’ I understand this to emphasize the matter of personal responsibility. Maybe it is something like this: it matters — and it matters a lot — but at the same time it matters not in a way that will disturb the “whole”. It is as if the whole is always intact no matter what. There I believe is the Hope.

So life continues. The day to day is filled with blessing and yes hope.

The beauty of His creation here in Richmond has been so uplifting. Sunsets, clouds, fall to winter trees. A brief morning snow dust with cardinals on branches looking like Christmas cards, and today. Today, I write! Today is a strange spring-like day. The birds are extraordinary. A flock of black birds swarmed away together towards the sky. A small brown bird I nicknamed Chubbysits on the deck. Two cardinals drink from our fountain.

We originally planned to kayak today, but instead have been invited to Soren’s Godparents’ home, our good friends, the Witmers. We met them at  St. Matthews and have been friends now in Richmond for over 11 years! Wow, time really does go by quickly and children change so much. I want to remember these little gems of joy amidst the chaos, to fuel the fire of hope with each of these kindling moments. The humor... like Soren singing joyfully at the top of his lungs, his improvisational “I love my penis song”! Only that kid! He was in the bathroom so I let him sing on. What about the moment in church a few weeks back when Soren said of the communion wafer, “this makes your heart heal a little”. Truly wisdom from the mouth of babes.

There is a continued yearning for the community worship outdoors at St. Matthews on Sunday mornings  The need for repentance, being fulfilled, such burdens lifted which felt especially weighty  during this time. What was so powerful about public worship? Was it also a return to some that have been church family for years? Certainly that plays a part, makes things more comfortable, and it is a joy to reconnect to longtime brothers and sisters in Christ. There are news things too, like this connection to Father Steve and appreciation for his preaching and doing book club with his wife Angie. 

One of  Pierson’s most favorite activities right now is youth group with Steve and Angie’s children who are a part, not to mention Julia. Julia met Pierson when he was just a baby and really befriended him. She used to offer to hold him. Even when I went downtown to Grace and Holy Trinity Church to sing, Julia ended up being there too as she was then living on VCU campus. However, with Covid and costs of living she once again lives at home and is back at St Matthews, and now heads up the youth group from which she graduated three or so years ago. She spoke briefly on the first day and shared her fond memories as well as the Christian beliefs and traditions she wants to both share and carry on. So far this year they have made sleeping mats (out of  plastic bags) and toiletry bags for the homeless, collected canned goods, and done leaf raking. On Wednesday evening they do a zoom compline service together. They have fun and fellowship, and they know Christ personally in their hearts. Pierson is one of the younger ones. I believe one aspect he loves is the feeling of independence. He often laments childhood for its lack of independence and emotional freedom of choice. Well... not easy to philosophically explain, but some things, e.g., going to school seven hours a day, is actually not a personal insult and punishment, although it may feel that way, rather what generational wisdom tells us is best.

Maybe that is also what hope is about, trusting in timeless wisdom. Not perhaps knowing in the intellectual mind the exact reasons for why worship in community is so powerful, but realizing without a doubt that it is. We leave with our spirits uplifted and our minds a little lighter than when we arrived. Hope is the wind filling out our sails to onward shores, perhaps unknown, but guided nonetheless.

 

Global Pandemic: God’s Punishment or Gift of Grace?

So apparently we are living in a global pandemic. It sounds so odd....a few short months ago this thought was so foreign. I think I would have Googled it to see exactly what that means and how to define it. And here we are. This strange idea is our current reality. When the news first began to break in a more public way, and then very quickly spiraled into total shut down, life felt surreal — a creepy twilight zone reality, a bizarre dream that one thinks: “Surely at any moment I will wake up, sigh a sigh of relief and then go back to normal life.” 

The routines of the day are gone. No more waking up at 7:00, having a mere half hour to get P to the bus stop dressed and fed. I have one more hour and fifteen minutes to get Soren dressed and fed. That may sound like a lot, but when you have a four year old fashionista, getting dressed takes at least 45 minutes. Luckily breakfast for Soren is an easy task — just add chocolate and all is well with the world. Can you blame him? 

Depending on the day, Monday AM's I teach my Yoga class, other days of the week and depending on the weather, either a run in the park, or some sort of class at the gym. I need to be back at preschool by noon, unless it's Tuesday — then I have till 1:30, and usually I have the pleasure of meeting Calvin for lunch at Capital One, which has a wonderful campus with food choices that are amazing. Any type of food you crave, they have got it — three huge cafeterias, hot, cold, any ethnic choice, special restaurants and food services that bring in the latest trends, sushi, juice bar. Even for coffee you can go to Starbucks or you can go to Petes, there is an on campus bakery with croissants "comme Paris", or if you prefer the ice cream parlor next door — just choose your fancy. 

After picking up Soren, I get him home for lunch, he usually asks for a little iPad, then I have approximately two hours to do my thing. That could be to get my meditation in, if there had not been time in the morning. Maybe practice singing, clean house, work on some aspect or another of COR. Sometimes those two hours are greatly reduced, particularly if Soren decides he is bored with iPad, has his own project in mind, needs help with something, or just plain wants Mommy's attention no matter what!! 

Pierson comes home and I help him get a snack. Depending on the day I might urge him to start his homework, he may play outside a bit, watch some iPad, but whatever the day, we are on the

clock. Mondays and Wednesdays we leave by four for rock climbing and other nights are Tae Kwon do for both boys. Saturdays are generally "free" though often filled with grocery shopping, birthday parties, or any other activity that falls, and Sunday's is church. Calvin leaves early for his church service for which he accompanies on piano and organ. I need to get myself and the two boys out of the house to get to choir by 10:30, then Calvin meets me at my church in time to take communion together. We go home, have brunch, maybe go to a concert, or park. Sunday nights are pizza and salad night (too tired for anything else and also a long standing "Marshall" tradition). Then we start over — it's a new week, and time is projecting forward at rocket speed. That was more or less our schedule for life during the school year. 

Then this year March came, and over the course of a weekend from the 13-16th, everything began to change. By Monday night everything shut down and was cancelled. I still taught my yoga Monday the 16th, but that was the last scheduled event — no school, no yoga, no gym, no rock climbing, no Tae Kwon Do, no lunches at Capital One. Time as we know it is no longer the same. It feels as though the very fabric of reality has shifted. We have stepped one pace closer to the “whole” where the timespace phenomenon no longer exists. Whoa, this stuff is real!! It was awkward at first. I felt gawky in the new normal. A sea of time with life to do, but no structure to work around. No projects to prepare for, save one request from church for a video of Mozart's Alleluia for their virtual online Easter service. My mom decided to come stay with us for a while, and she arrived on Thursday. 

Here we are April 24th and I have to say, although I passed through the initial shock and disbelief, into the "ok, here we go" with the new normal — figuring out homeschool, finding new routines, feeling sorrow for the many losses of life, and concern for those with much worse and exceedingly more difficult situations than my own — I now find myself in a place of peace and even joy. I am enjoying the more leisurely approach to life. For years Calvin and I have had the ongoing conversation about needing to find ways to be less busy. However, despite our best efforts, we always seem to end up with plates that are very full. I feel blessed to have this special time to share with my mother, and feel so much gratitude for her presence and her help with the boys. I am enjoying the extra time with my boys, and seeing the sparkle of joy in Pierson's eyes that school seems to rob each time we return from our summer vacations. I am confident he is actually learning more. I know this is the last year before Soren starts kindergarten, and I am relishing the last glimpses of his sweet babyness that will surely slip away unnoticed until I glance up and say, “When did you become so grown up?”

I enjoy having Calvin here all day, so we can have many lunches, and witnessing the beautiful impromptu moments he might have to engage with the boys, throwing the football, a bike ride, karate wrestling, or family neighborhood walks with Flocon. I have more time for gratitude, and just being and it is nice. Of course there are still moments of tension and discord. Rebellion in not wanting to go to bed, or do school work at a given time. Moments of boredom for boys with too much energy on a rainy day, and the usual sibling rivalries. One of these moments came the other day. Soren had taken out a letter that I had put in the mailbox to be sent, and he brought it back inside thinking he was helping to get the mail. I was heading into the bathroom and Pierson was kicking his feet, moseying around, not wanting to do his reading, but not doing anything else. I said, "go put this letter in the mailbox". His response was, "Why should I, I did not take it out". Immediately my button was pushed. It is an ongoing issue with me and P. Trying to teach him respect. Respect to his parents, but also in general, a willingness in his heart to sometimes, most times just say, “yes, or sure mom”. But he is a righteous fighter, proud and strong! 

It is not that P is unwilling to help. He is and does.... at times — sometimes with great care for the task at hand, but it needs to come from him. He does not like to be told what to do, particularly if he thinks it is unfair and even more so when it comes to his brother. I have explained to him time and again, how I do all kinds of things I don't necessarily feel like doing because that is what needs to be done. I don't always feel like grocery shopping or cleaning the house, or doing laundry, but I do it anyway. I remind him of the innumerable tasks I might do for him and his brother, even though I was not the cause of those things needing to be done. I even tell him that life is not fair. I personally do not like conflict and try to avoid it. P, I believe, seeks conflict, something to push back on, a way to feel and define his own presence. I try to diffuse and he fans the flame. So there we were, a battle of the wills, a this-is-the-right-thing-to-do conversation and his take being this is unfair. In his mind Soren gets away with everything, has less asked of him and life is unfair. I explain to him that what is expected of a four year old is different than that of a ten year old, and that in time Soren too will have more schoolwork, more demanded of him etc. 

And then it came — P's statement: ''He needs to be punished". Immediately the words rolled off my tongue before much thought and I said: "We all deserve to be punished, and yet we choose to act in love and mercy". Somehow saying this phrase out loud in that moment really struck me. Sometimes we hold to beliefs or understandings but when we voice them something changes. P is not alone in his feeling that people deserve to be punished. Just recently my friend on FB wrote something to the effect of, "Love is Love” (this was in regard to her vote for Pete Buttigeig), “I will never understand people who do not love and accept someone because of their sexual orientation". This is someone I have seen in many posts insinuate or outright say angry or hateful comments in regards to those with whom she disagrees. So I responded on her posts—  "Are those people lovable and acceptable? That is the key to understanding." She did not respond to that post, but immediately did respond to another post that was on her feed, where I had also commented. Someone made a comment about close minded people being good at criticizing, she gave that a like and I had responded, “hmmm, sounds like a criticism." So she responded to that remark: "close minded people deserve to be criticized". There you have it — what she is also saying is these people deserve to be punished. 

So there we were with this truth from my ten year old, same truth from my 50 something friend, a sense of righteous judgement that "the other" deserves punishment. But then comes our savior who is so filled with mercy, love and compassion. He is perfect without sin, the One truly NOT worthy of punishment and he does not punish us, but rather Loves us and is merciful. He tells us, “Go, and sin no more” (John 8:11). Who and what is this One, that we punish and hate and kill? He shows us that we are to love and serve. The One who is perfect in all ways, the Lord of Lords, the King of Kings, the Prince of Peace, who yet abases himself to that of a servant and washes his disciples feet (John 13:4 ff). Such beauty, such wonder. 

The "other" is always our mirror — that which perhaps is still hidden to our own eyes, or ears. That aspect of our being that has not been pulled up from its root, maybe just had its leaves trimmed. Things look pretty on the outside, but when we dig deep, when our eyes are opened and our ears can hear, then we might see clearly. Then we might weep in sorrow or humility and God's perfect grace can enter in and truly wash in us with his blood. Then we will sorrow no more. We can without pride or righteousness but in true longing to love Him more fully, say "forgive them Father for they know not" (Luke 23:34). We may all be worthy of punishment, but Christ gives us a new message, a new truth. We have been made whole and perfect in Him. Because we have been forgiven, we forgive the other which is not actually the other but is the One, in Christ. We can love freely because we are loved freely. He is the Savior of this world. This is the peace that passeth understanding (Philippians 4:7). Illogical, incomprehensible and yet available to us all.

The Dawn Wall

So it took awhile....

Sometimes that's the way it is. It took awhile to find something that Pierson could latch onto and call his own. I tried many things — gymnastics, Taekwondo, art lessons, choir, swimming. I knew Pierson had a boundless energy that craved a channel. I also knew my sanity was dependent upon finding that thing. Turns out that thing is climbing. He has since gone back to Taekwondo and recently is really into his art work, and all that is super cool. It took a while to understand why there were certain areas that seemed so hard. I used to dread sitting down for daily reading, and homework. The struggle was real, the frustration was shared, and the fights were often. I always felt that P was ADD or ADHD, but it was not until a trip to his doctor's office where this came up that I really began to try to understand. I remember talking to a fellow actor who specialized in this area and telling him how Pierson would sometimes stand up during dinner, maybe ten times and not even realize he was standing. I told him about our struggles with reading, how he was always jumping ahead a word or more and losing his place. Or his rather endearing way of running up to me with a brilliant idea only to tell me he forgot what he was going to say. He told me P sounded like a classic case. I wondered why none of his teachers brought this up, and when I asked his doctor about this point, he said it was probably because he was intelligent enough to realize he was different, so he expends an enormous amount of energy trying to compensate, hence his high stress levels, and tantrum releases that would challenge even the most toddler of toddlers. 

As I read books and articles so much made sense. P was not just being disrespectful and not listening, he literally was unable. There was a reason for five years we have told him to not chew with his mouth open, and it was ok. I began to process things in a new way. Instead of feeling that I was failing as a parent and feeling helpless, I felt empowered. His brain literally works differently, and the more I understand those differences the more I am able to love him more fully. Yet another thing I learn from P. P also brought me to The Dawn Wall, a movie about climbing. To be honest I was not thrilled about the idea of watching a movie about climbing, but like much of life, since I love P, and he loves climbing it becomes important. In these small moves outside of ourselves somehow we end up with gifts so much greater than we can possibly imagine. My brother recommended the movie. So I sat down to the film with minimal to low expectations. Boy was I blown away. Not only from a purely entertainment perspective was it thrilling, but for me it was literally a spiritual gift. A little kiss from heaven imparted through the blessed relation with my P.

Tommy Caldwell is the climber in this documentary that the film is formed around. It is his story, his life, his journey, which ends with what most would consider miraculous — his ascent of The Dawn Wall. Tommy Caldwell for me is a living embodiment of such biblical ideas of "the last becoming first" (Matt. 20:16), or of "the meek inheriting the earth” (Matt. 5:5). This was a child who was so developmentally delayed, that he was literally deemed retarded and did not even crawl until two years of age. His dad, perhaps a bit "old school", saw his weak young child and in his deepest love and devotion "allowed him to suffer". In today's world of coddling and child-led ways, this may be frowned upon, but it seems in it there is something good and right.

The Buddists begin by saying "life is suffering", and psychologist Jordan Peterson often talks about the importance of making our children capable and independent. It seems there is a delicate balance here. The damage of overprotection is real and can create life long dysfunction. On the other hand we of course do not want to be unnecessarily cruel, hardened, or cause unnecessary pain. I often wonder about the new child led dogma — spanking is out, time outs are in. It seems a little physical pain on the bottom passes very quickly and teaches a fast physical boundary, while separating someone emotionally, sending the message that because of bad behavior they are not worthy of human connection or love is in some ways much harsher. It seems to me psychological wounds take much longer to heal and sometimes even feel near impossible to heal. All that to say — Tommy Caldwell's father pushed him at a young age with physical challenges. They would go hiking, climbing and camping. His father spent time with him, gave his energy, and helped form his physical body and his spirit to survive in the world. 

At a young age Tommy began winning competitions and eventually accomplishing feat after feat. To add to the tale, as an adult Tommy actually becomes physically handicapped and is told he is done for. Even after that Tommy refuses the lies of the world. He knows a truth that exists that is larger than that. A faith that says "all things are possible" (Matt. 19:26). Eventually he has accomplished just about all he can (surpassing all expectation) and decides to climb The Dawn Wall. Everyone again tells him it is impossible. He gets a partner, and for 6 years they endeavor on this project against all odds. Eventually the moment of truth comes, Tommy is succeeding in the impossible and his partner is stumbling. His partner agrees to just give up and guide Tommy to the top. Tommy reaches a point in the wall which is symbolic of the hardest parts conquered and the road to the top open. Tommy sits on this plateau, not in joy, but rather in sorrow, for if he can not bring his fellow man up with him all the glory is worthless. He goes back down, committed to bringing his partner with him at all costs. 

I love this story and this movie for all that Tommy Caldwell shows us in his being. He knew with every ounce and fiber that the transcendent was possible, was there just beyond an immediate grasp. It's as if he could taste it, smell it, and knew that his faith and persistence would get him there. He literally conquers physical reality and at the same time his deep and enduring humanity does not diminish with this, but rather embraces the deepest love and value for the other. Thank you Tommy Caldwell and Thank you P, for being you, for bringing me gifts unimaginable.

The Love Infusion of the Law

I have thought a lot recently about this concept — God's law and the very nature of the law being love infused. Makes sense right? I mean after all God is Love. And so would not his laws by their very nature be in fact love-infused? And yet, people hate the law, reject the law and feel the law is not only hurtful, but yes, in fact hateful. The Bible says we all have knowledge of God, yet we deny this knowledge and hate Him and have a natural love of sin. I am not sure it is so black and white as that sounds, but I do think it is still a true statement. Most humans might agree on many laws and the inherent goodness in them, like not to murder for example. Then again 6 million Jewish people were killed in concentration camps, so maybe things are more straightforward than we would like to believe. Seems a love of power and pride in that case was far more seductive than what would seem to be the most basic moral virtue.

Christ teaches us so much about the law. One is that he goes out to people in love, mercy and compassion. He goes to the absolute worst transgressors perhaps of the law, not with scorn and condemnation but rather perfect Love. So maybe part of man's difficulty in seeing the good and right in the law, is that these laws can only be fully received and understood through Christ (love and mercy). 

I heard a great section from a Joel Osteen story where he is talking about hanging out with a bunch of youngsters at a certain time with whom he used to play basketball. As he explains it, "they were a rough bunch" — cursing, maybe some of them drugging, who knows exactly — but probably the same types Jesus would have engaged too. He said, "I did not try to tell them, don't do this, don't do that, most people already know what they should not do".  Wow so true, don't we already know on some level what we shouldn't do? Don't we spend enough mental energy beating ourselves up for all the things we should not do? The end of the story is that he just kept showing up, spending time, sowing love and mercy, and bringing his own joy to the games. At some point some of these young people started saying to him, "I want what you have" and so the conversations started. 

Another aspect of the law that Christ illuminates so beautifully for us is the spirit of the law opposed to the letter of the law. The old law said not to heal on the Sabbath, and yet Christ does so, once again in a spirit of mercy and compassion. So we can see how a cold hearted approach to the law with no room for context is limited, and hardened, not in line with the heart of flesh promised by Christ. However, Christ does also say, "I have come to fulfill the law, not to abolish the law" (Matt. 5:17). He is the fulfillment because he is perfect in goodness, without sin. Yet, even he still abides by the law and accepts the will of his Father. 

In my opinion the law, and anything that is considered sin, or an abomination, or perhaps the gentler words of anything that misses the mark of perfection and gets labeled as such, has first and foremost very practical repercussions. Usually with only a small amount of thought it is pretty easy to see or imagine what these could or might be. A priest I know said, "sin is anything that separates you from God or your neighbor".  That also is pretty easy to imagine. So perhaps the law is written very much for this very earthly realm and how it operates under the laws of the fabric of reality, and the fabric of our own beings. Like gravity, whether I believe it is real or not, really becomes irrelevant. When I jump off a cliff all the while denying gravity, I will still plummet to my death. When in this earthly realm we experience difficulties, these difficulties affect us, our minds, our spirits. I believe anything that preoccupies our consciousness to some degree, separates us from God (“Be still and know that I am God” — Psalm 46:10). If we are busy being the judge of our own sin, that can be pretty all-consuming. Maybe this is our call to repentance and our call to Christ: if he can love us and fully accept us in mercy even in the depth of our sin, then why is it so hard for us to love ourselves and others? Maybe God actually understood this about our natures. Being our Creator, it does make sense. Maybe with his laws he is basically saying, "don't go there. Yes, yes, I know you will anyway, come back to me and I will forgive you, but I am telling you, you can't handle it, trust me on this one!"

God sent his son out of Love for us that we might turn to Him. Somewhere in all this, I believe is the key to finding the love infusion of the law. Is it not that our Father knows what is best for us even better than we do? He is calling us to those things for our own well being. He is encouraging a true love relationship with Him. He does so out of love and mercy for our own being, for his creation; and then our genuine need and maybe deepest of fundamental desires, can be satisfied — to be in relationship with Him. To be in loving relationship with that which is greater and more perfect than we, we willingly give up a temporary satisfaction for an enduring peace.

I do think we all do have an understanding in our minds and beings of what perfection is, and to varying degrees we desire that. Perhaps we see God's perfection in the beauty of nature. Maybe the reason we have great admiration for people that achieve very high levels in any given field is because we see something of God in what they are capable of? If we only have love and mercy we will to some extent encourage chaos, destruction and ultimately pain. One only need be a parent to see this play out. We may want to protect our darling from the pain of being told no they can not play in the street, but obviously that would be absurd. If we only approach the world with cold hearted, black and white laws, we have lost our humanity, and any life giving properties that exist in the life force itself. It seems there must be a harmonious marriage of the underlying truth principles of the law, operating through the life-affirming substances of love, mercy and compassion. Maybe this explains the difference in our call to be like children, and yet not actually be children.

God and Facebook

So the other day I decided to chime in on a FB post. I know, probably a bad idea, maybe a very bad idea. We almost all have had the experience of getting "hooked" by a snarky comment or loaded meme. Either we enter into an actual exchange, which often leads nowhere, or we end up having a never-ending conversation in our head. We continue needlessly occupying our mind space and draining our vital energy. Nevertheless, I have since that time removed FB from my phone. Now I only check occasionally, and try to make it a point to not let precious time slip away indefinitely, nor to enter into every "teachable moment" that my ever fixing, helping, wanting-to-illuminate-inner-self desires to share.

This particular post was actually a share of a pro-gay beer add. The person who posted it and her husband often post things which in some manner or another would be considered "Christian bashing", yet they both (I am sure) consider themselves to be thoughtful, caring, socially aware, and willing-to-help kind of people. The husband actually started a company called "Inner city Peace" and although I am not familiar with all the ins and outs of what they do, I do know in their mission is the idea of helping African Americans, presumably in the inner cities. Despite this call

and action to "Peace", I believe they are actually completely blind to the fact that they often spread violence in their energy and words towards those with whom they disagree, namely Christians.

I decided to chime in, primarily because often I have found their posts are so misguided and confused about what being a Christian actually means. They seem to hold some kind of false idea that the moment one sees ultimate truth and saving Grace in Jesus Christ and accepts and embraces that He indeed is the Savior of the world, that somehow they magically become total masters of every aspect of their fallen nature. Fear not though, lest these wretched Christians fall short — they shall indeed be mocked and scorned by the ever more peaceful, intelligent and

enlightened secularists, ready to judge with an iron rod!! Yes the irony is palpable....and a little painful (Forgive them Father, for they know not . . .) I was actually tempted by one of the husband’s posts to begin calling him Saul.

Anyway, the pro gay beer add was accompanied by the very bold post she had written that said: "homosexuality is NOT a sin, Love is love". So I thought I would chime in with a very basic concept of sin. Mainly, the idea is that sin is anything that misses the mark of perfection (God's) of which we All fall short, so that basically every human being is in fact a sinner. The conversation proceeded on and she informed me that she did not believe any of that (which I knew). But my point was—for those that do believe those things—there really is no distinction. I also went on to illuminate that if others are pointing at someone else for their sinful behaviors that they in fact would be walking in their own sin, as we are called to love our neighbors and not judge our neighbors. “None is righteous, no, not one.” (Rom. 3:10)

Then the truth really came out, What she is really upset about is that people actually think there is such a thing as sin (which she believes does not even exist ), and that because they have this belief system they say things like “homosexuality is an abomination", which is in and of itself offensive, hurtful etc.

So we get to the crux of the matter. I let her know firstly that I had been perplexed by her bold statement, because generally the word sin is used to describe things and actions within the context of an objective reality. I will admit, that was not 100% honest, but I was trying to illuminate a broader picture not only of sin itself, but as to how this term is actually used. If you do not even believe that sin exists, and there is in fact no such thing as perfection—ultimate and only good—and take the notion that all of reality is really a subjective interpretation, then to make a bold statement about what is sin and is not might be better left unsaid. I did let her know that I agree, even within the Christian community this is a divided issue and there is a broad spectrum of views and approaches on the subject.

I personally find it a bit amusing that some straight people (such as herself) have such convicted ideas on this issue. I had recently listened to a podcast between two gay men, both Christians who had very different approaches and understandings on this issue. I thought to myself during this exchange with her: does she realize that there actually are gay people that would categorize homosexuality as a sin, and consider it an abomination? Has she ever examined for herself what that might mean, and why it could be categorized in such a way?

And this really brings me to one of the areas that really is of interest. Is there actually an objective fabric to reality, or is it merely subjective. Is there an intelligent being which creates the very structure of reality and that indeed within this structure there is a moral component written into it's very fabric. The Christian says: yes. It seems that people that reject this either in some measure, or completely, do so mainly from a similar line of thinking as this person above with whom I shared my FB exchange. Somehow, some of these rules and ideas are hurtful and cause harm. Somehow man has come up with these ideas and juxtapositioned them onto society and all they do is make life difficult and hurt people.

I fear this approach is all upside down. When understood in proper context the things that are written were not somehow invented and juxtaposed but rather understood or received through revelation. The fabric of reality has been understood and attempts are then made to explain that fabric. One can acknowledge its truth or deny it, but the repercussions of denying that truth will be felt. In other words you might want to honor your emotional reaction to the law, instead of the law itself, but you will reap the repercussions of what that means. “God so loved the world that he gave his Only Son” (John 3:16), so that he could bear the burden of our sinful nature, that we might be born in him. No other sacrifice is necessary, free grace. 

This is a reciprocal relationship. We honor God's commands in a reciprocal relationship: as we honor him, we walk upheld by the very fabric and Intelligence of Being. It may require sacrifice. Jesus sacrificed his being, his physical body and we too are called to take up our cross. We have free will to do so, yet when we do, his burden is easy and his yoke is light. When we deny this unseen world and work against the laws that are written, there will be natural consequences. Not out of a punishing God, but rather by the very nature of his goodness, calling us to his fold. As human beings, the great commandment is to love the Lord God with all our heart, soul, and mind and love our neighbors as ourselves. We cannot be in harmony and love our own being if we are in rejection of the very fabric of our existence (made in his image).

In the Eastern Vedic tradition the idea of sacred mantra or sound is that these sounds were imparted to the sages. We see in the Bible revelations. Often these are people in high states of meditation or prayer, who receive information of Truth, ultimate Truth. This is not man imposing ideas on reality, but rather reality revealing itself to man, and man in turn trying to preserve and impart this wisdom through the ages.

One can discuss and debate about what is sin and what is not: If one decides something is a sin, then how does one reconcile that? These are all good questions and discussions, and like most things in life, one must decide where priorities lie. One of the most beautiful things in this podcast with the two gay Christian men, was that although they had taken very different stances on what to do in regards to homosexuality and their work in the church (they were both active in the church, one a pastor) the way they spoke to each other and the words they used were beautiful and uplifting. Over and over I heard: "I honor you", " I respect you”, “we have so much in common”, but....

This is what being a Christian is about, thinking about the objective nature of reality, trying to understand what that means, societally and in our individual lives. We all bear our crosses. We have a free choice to take up that cross, even Christ himself chose to take up the very literal cross of his Father's will. (“My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will” (Matt. 26:39).

This cross that reaches upward toward that which is good, and perfect, runs through us in vertical relationship with our Father. We are answering His call in as much as we can see and are able to understand from where we are in this very moment. Even in all our brokenness and sin, he waits with open arms and calls us up to Him. Horizontally, our cross reminds us we are reaching out to the world in love and empathy. We are the body of Christ carrying our crosses.

The Blessing and Gift of Jonathan

This Christmas season has come and gone. We rang in the new year with family and friends. We did most of our usual traditions. We went to Florida to see Aunt Nelly. Mom was there too. We saw my brother Ian and his wife Gabby, my Dad and Donna, and Nelly’s beau Dwight. We stopped in Charleston on our way to see Calvin’s oldest brother Wallace and his family. We went to the botanical gardens and out to a nice dinner.

This year was so very different. 

If I am to be honest Christmas is not one of my favorite times of the year. In fact, I usually sense a bit of dread arriving just after Thanksgiving and a sense of relief the day after Christmas. I know in my heart it is the celebration of light coming into darkness — the Savior of the world revealing the truth of his Father to the world. The Truth, the Way, the Life incarnate here among us, then in the flesh and now in the spirit. And yet ... and yet, what I feel every year is a melancholic spirit. I feel the urgency and frantic energy in the air as people focus on all the material aspects of making the important day come to fruition. Somehow in the hustle bustle of activity, I feel precisely the opposite of what we are all reminding ourselves of and celebrating — I feel the absence of spirit and peace. I have come to know this place well, and I accept each year that these sentiments will arrive. I greet them with a familiarity now, and know that they will pass and I will look back lovingly on the events we do each year that have become our family traditions. I know when we attend the Christmas Eve service that the sense of peace and spirit fills my being. I am with my love celebrating Love. My darlings are sleeping and will awake to their gifts all wrapped and ready for the tree, or table as it were, to avoid Bijou’s pee (the never housebroken dog)!

This year was so very terribly and awfully different. 

The day before our departure from Richmond Calvin came home from work and told me the news — Jonathan has been hit by a car, he is dead. Time stood still for just an instant and then my heart shattered. I dropped my head in my hands and they became wet with tears. The grief was immediate and the impact so felt. A few months prior I lost my grandfather. He was an old man with a full life. He died at 97 years old, he had a successful career, children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. He climbed mountains, ran marathons and travelled the world. He enjoyed good food and fine clothes. One might say “a life well lived.” I don’t mean to imply that there was no grief or feeling of loss when I heard the news of my grandfather. Certainly there were moments. Those moments, however, were subtle and gentle. Jonathan's death felt so violent. It seems there is something satisfying about a potential that has been fulfilled. When that is the case the spirit more readily lets go. There was nothing left undone that needed to be said, shared or done. The body and mind of my grandfather took time, years and years to decay, dying little by little to ultimate death. It’s as if there are many little good byes that happen during that time and those years to parts of the man that was, that is no more. It is natural, in order and in good time, time to go.

Not so with Johnathan. He was a young man, 38 years old. I remember feeling drawn to Jonathan before I ever met him. I knew Calvin had this younger brother that I did not know. So I pressed upon him to try to meet him. He lived about 45 or so minutes away, but happened to be on the way to where I drove to Greensboro occasionally for my voice lessons. So we planned a visit on the way home one week. He did not answer his phone, and although the door was open, as he always left his apartments, he was not there. So we left a note — I wanted him to know we tried, that we both wanted to see him and I wanted to meet him. I eventually met Jonathan a few months later at his older brother Wallace’s school graduation. 

I can’t quite say why but I had a “love at first sight” reaction to Jonathan. Not in the romantic sense, but in a heart sense, where your whole being just feels connected to this other individual. He was so beautiful and there was something so vulnerable and perceptive about him. I got to know him better over the years and was often so impressed by his deep metaphysical insights and understandings. But Jonathan was also deeply troubled, and as the years moved forward so did his issues. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and suffered neuroses that caused odd behaviors. He did not take care of his hygiene, his thoughts and communications where not always coherent or logically connected, and he certainly held anger and resentments, sometimes towards those who loved him most. He did have desires — he wanted a wife, he wanted a career and in his way he tried to manifest those things — but because of his mental handicap, to no avail. He felt he was a prisoner to his own condition, yet refused true help, convinced he could help himself despite years of evidence to the contrary. 

When we went to clean out Jonathan's apartment after the funeral there were many empty soda bottles on the floor and plastic grocery bags everywhere. There was a stack of ramen noodle packages two feet high on the stove. Seems that ramen and soda where the staples of his diet. He had not even one proper change of clothes (he wore the same outfit over and over). His blankets were on his little day couch where we pictured him sleeping, nights alone, in dirty clothes amongst the trash on the floor. Such a sad picture. Jonathan did not manifest his potential, he often was not kind to those who tried to care for him, lashing out from his place of deep pain.

That moment I heard the news of his death and felt my heart shatter, I had a vision. It was energetically that of a shattered mirror, shards of light, and rays of black. It is in some ways how I saw Jonathan’s spirit — shattered like a broken mirror, trying to organize the pieces and somehow put them back in order, but the burden was too heavy, the puzzle too complex. 

I have thought a lot about Jonathan’s passing, and one aspect that is so striking and powerful to me is his impact on so many in his family and immediate surroundings. Despite Jonathan's lack of manifestation, or even “good behavior”, we are pained and grieved by his loss. We miss him and have a real sense of the loss of a beautiful being that was among us and is no more. What an amazing and powerful testament this is to the absolute value and worth of this individual Jonathan who touched and affected our lives in some profound way. So profound in fact we can not quite wrap our logical minds around. I think in pondering these things this is a huge gift and blessing that Jonathan has given us and reminds us of. The inherent and undeniable value and impact of another being. It did not matter what Johnathan did or did not accomplish, even his actions or inactions become secondary to the very phenomena of Jonathan. He did not have in fact to do or be or become anything. He was and is, and that is enough. We love him because he is — uniquely Jonathan made in God’s image. Worthy of honor, respect and love, despite his worldly challenges, something so perfect, and so so dearly missed. ("Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father" (Matt. 5: 48)