On Tuesday night I have a book club with a group of women from my church. Our new book has sparked a lot of “triggering”. Even before having read the first chapter, the leader of our group (who also happens to be our rector's wife) reached out to the group. She had just finished reading the first chapter and let everyone know that she felt it might come across as a bit antiquated, but after some reflection came to the conclusion that despite that observation, the author was a wise elder and we should aim to uncover what she has to offer.
I tended to agree with the group leader in some measure for sentences like,“You can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, but don’t forget to wash the pan”. This sentence was in regards to being a “supernatural” woman as in Proverbs 31. Do we really have to be supernatural, I mean isn’t being natural enough? I tried to ignore the blatant “well that seems a bit much” feeling and attempted to wrap my mind around a reasonable metaphor.
After a little thought it came to—maybe she means to say: it is great to go out, have a job, bring home the benefits of that job to share with your family, but the pan represents the foundation, and you don’t want to neglect the foundation. That seemed satisfying enough to me for the time being.
Once we were in our group one person mentioned that although the Proverbs 31 woman worked and was a woman of great virtue, she likely had maid servants also who not only would help with the meal, but certainly with the clean-up. It was a good point and something I had not thought about.
Another part of the chapter that seemed to catch people was a reference to Esther being perfectly prepared and presentable for King Xerxes. Being that he already proved he was both prideful and lecherous by asking his former wife, Vashti, to parade in front of his taxpayer funded party lasting 180 days, he seemed an unlikely representation of God and certainly not worthy of such willful subservience from Esther. One girl was bothered by her being “presentable”. As if being presentable is important to God, she went on to talk about Jesus going to the poor, the lepers and so on.
As these concerns and questions went on, I actually thought this book and this woman’s writing is such a gift, because even in people’s rejection of her words or representation of ideas, she is sparking controversy and conversation which is driving people to think and dig deeper.
As I was walking the next day I thought about the story of Rachel, Leah and Jacob. I had listened to a wonderful Tim Keller sermon on this story. Even though Leah’s behavior towards Jacob was that of a devoted wife, her failing is that she was looking for her primary satisfaction in life through her husband and his attentions. She was trying to please him in order to be loved, instead of rightly ordering her primary devotion to God.
This made me start thinking about Esther and her comportment towards the King. If he had been the good, benevolent King, it would be easy to understand her willingness to please. But the fact that he was undeserving or unworthy illuminates even more her willingness to follow God's will and also an understanding of God’s purpose for her.
I have thought often about purpose (my own) and the broader question of the purpose of a given human life in general. This conversation though sparked the comparison of personality versus purpose in my mind. It seems that most people spend a great deal of time and energy on personality. It may come in the form of one’s own personality, the kind of self-examination that is constantly judging and analyzing — this is good, this is not so good. This is my parents, siblings, bosses, x-boyfriends….(the list goes on), fault. Or looking at others and having these same kinds of thoughts.
There is nothing wrong with any of that, and if you are an actress it can be a very useful part to understand the way another person works, what makes them tick so to speak. But beyond that there is a place where this kind of approach becomes circular and endless. It seems one can explore the depth of one's personality or that of the other ad infinitum. The mind also has an uncanny ability to look at one's own personality and trick itself into exaggerating the good and perhaps justifying the not-so-good—conversely, exaggerating the bad and downplaying the good. At any rate one can never be objective about one's own personality and can never fully grasp the total complexity of another’s personality, hence the ad infinitum.
It seems there is a valuable lesson here. Maybe focusing a little less on personality—be it one's own or someone else’s‚—and focusing more on purpose. Esther knew her purpose and did not let the King's personality change that. If we approach life knowing we have a purpose, that nothing is by chance, then suddenly personality matters a whole lot less. Those people we find “ difficult “ are in our lives for a reason. It is not our job, per se, to “figure them out”; it is our job to love them. It is not our duty to have a perfect personality, merely to do our best, which may vary greatly from day to day or even moment to moment.
I used to feel a bit of underlying anxiety about purpose. Yes, I have worked hard in my field of interest and dedicated my life to many things I enjoyed and desired. My life is filled with blessing, but am I really fulfilling my purpose? Am I supposed to be doing more in this area or that? Then I had a very helpful teacher and mentor give me advice that completely lifted that burden. She said, ‘you do your spiritual practice daily, that is your duty, your purpose. The rest will fall into place from there.’ In other words my job was to come to Him earnestly, daily and He will guide me. I will have done my part, and He does the rest. Then every situation that follows and that I encounter is in fact my purpose, guided by His sovereign will.
So I do my work and leave the rest in His hands. All the personalities are just what they are, but theirs or mine will always be secondary to our purpose.
