Friday, April 24, 2020

Global Pandemic: God’s Punishment or Gift of Grace?

So apparently we are living in a global pandemic. It sounds so odd....a few short months ago this thought was so foreign. I think I would have Googled it to see exactly what that means and how to define it. And here we are. This strange idea is our current reality. When the news first began to break in a more public way, and then very quickly spiraled into total shut down, life felt surreal — a creepy twilight zone reality, a bizarre dream that one thinks: “Surely at any moment I will wake up, sigh a sigh of relief and then go back to normal life.” 

The routines of the day are gone. No more waking up at 7:00, having a mere half hour to get P to the bus stop dressed and fed. I have one more hour and fifteen minutes to get Soren dressed and fed. That may sound like a lot, but when you have a four year old fashionista, getting dressed takes at least 45 minutes. Luckily breakfast for Soren is an easy task — just add chocolate and all is well with the world. Can you blame him? 

Depending on the day, Monday AM's I teach my Yoga class, other days of the week and depending on the weather, either a run in the park, or some sort of class at the gym. I need to be back at preschool by noon, unless it's Tuesday — then I have till 1:30, and usually I have the pleasure of meeting Calvin for lunch at Capital One, which has a wonderful campus with food choices that are amazing. Any type of food you crave, they have got it — three huge cafeterias, hot, cold, any ethnic choice, special restaurants and food services that bring in the latest trends, sushi, juice bar. Even for coffee you can go to Starbucks or you can go to Petes, there is an on campus bakery with croissants "comme Paris", or if you prefer the ice cream parlor next door — just choose your fancy. 

After picking up Soren, I get him home for lunch, he usually asks for a little iPad, then I have approximately two hours to do my thing. That could be to get my meditation in, if there had not been time in the morning. Maybe practice singing, clean house, work on some aspect or another of COR. Sometimes those two hours are greatly reduced, particularly if Soren decides he is bored with iPad, has his own project in mind, needs help with something, or just plain wants Mommy's attention no matter what!! 

Pierson comes home and I help him get a snack. Depending on the day I might urge him to start his homework, he may play outside a bit, watch some iPad, but whatever the day, we are on the
clock. Mondays and Wednesdays we leave by four for rock climbing and other nights are Tae Kwon do for both boys. Saturdays are generally "free" though often filled with grocery shopping, birthday parties, or any other activity that falls, and Sunday's is church. Calvin leaves early for his church service for which he accompanies on piano and organ. I need to get myself and the two boys out of the house to get to choir by 10:30, then Calvin meets me at my church in time to take communion together. We go home, have brunch, maybe go to a concert, or park. Sunday nights are pizza and salad night (too tired for anything else and also a long standing "Marshall" tradition). Then we start over — it's a new week, and time is projecting forward at rocket speed. That was more or less our schedule for life during the school year. 

Then this year March came, and over the course of a weekend from the 13-16th, everything began to change. By Monday night everything shut down and was cancelled. I still taught my yoga Monday the 16th, but that was the last scheduled event — no school, no yoga, no gym, no rock climbing, no Tae Kwon Do, no lunches at Capital One. Time as we know it is no longer the same. It feels as though the very fabric of reality has shifted. We have stepped one pace closer to the “whole” where the timespace phenomenon no longer exists. Whoa, this stuff is real!! It was awkward at first. I felt gawky in the new normal. A sea of time with life to do, but no structure to work around. No projects to prepare for, save one request from church for a video of Mozart's Alleluia for their virtual online Easter service. My mom decided to come stay with us for a while, and she arrived on Thursday. 

Here we are April 24th and I have to say, although I passed through the initial shock and disbelief, into the "ok, here we go" with the new normal — figuring out homeschool, finding new routines, feeling sorrow for the many losses of life, and concern for those with much worse and exceedingly more difficult situations than my own — I now find myself in a place of peace and even joy. I am enjoying the more leisurely approach to life. For years Calvin and I have had the ongoing conversation about needing to find ways to be less busy. However, despite our best efforts, we always seem to end up with plates that are very full. I feel blessed to have this special time to share with my mother, and feel so much gratitude for her presence and her help with the boys. I am enjoying the extra time with my boys, and seeing the sparkle of joy in Pierson's eyes that school seems to rob each time we return from our summer vacations. I am confident he is actually learning more. I know this is the last year before Soren starts kindergarten, and I am relishing the last glimpses of his sweet babyness that will surely slip away unnoticed until I glance up and say, “When did you become so grown up?”

I enjoy having Calvin here all day, so we can have many lunches, and witnessing the beautiful impromptu moments he might have to engage with the boys, throwing the football, a bike ride, karate wrestling, or family neighborhood walks with Flocon. I have more time for gratitude, and just being and it is nice. Of course there are still moments of tension and discord. Rebellion in not wanting to go to bed, or do school work at a given time. Moments of boredom for boys with too much energy on a rainy day, and the usual sibling rivalries. One of these moments came the other day. Soren had taken out a letter that I had put in the mailbox to be sent, and he brought it back inside thinking he was helping to get the mail. I was heading into the bathroom and Pierson was kicking his feet, moseying around, not wanting to do his reading, but not doing anything else. I said, "go put this letter in the mailbox". His response was, "Why should I, I did not take it out". Immediately my button was pushed. It is an ongoing issue with me and P. Trying to teach him respect. Respect to his parents, but also in general, a willingness in his heart to sometimes, most times just say, “yes, or sure mom”. But he is a righteous fighter, proud and strong! 

It is not that P is unwilling to help. He is and does.... at times — sometimes with great care for the task at hand, but it needs to come from him. He does not like to be told what to do, particularly if he thinks it is unfair and even more so when it comes to his brother. I have explained to him time and again, how I do all kinds of things I don't necessarily feel like doing because that is what needs to be done. I don't always feel like grocery shopping or cleaning the house, or doing laundry, but I do it anyway. I remind him of the innumerable tasks I might do for him and his brother, even though I was not the cause of those things needing to be done. I even tell him that life is not fair. I personally do not like conflict and try to avoid it. P, I believe, seeks conflict, something to push back on, a way to feel and define his own presence. I try to diffuse and he fans the flame. So there we were, a battle of the wills, a this-is-the-right-thing-to-do conversation and his take being this is unfair. In his mind Soren gets away with everything, has less asked of him and life is unfair. I explain to him that what is expected of a four year old is different than that of a ten year old, and that in time Soren too will have more schoolwork, more demanded of him etc. 

And then it came — P's statement: ''He needs to be punished". Immediately the words rolled off my tongue before much thought and I said: "We all deserve to be punished, and yet we choose to act in love and mercy". Somehow saying this phrase out loud in that moment really struck me. Sometimes we hold to beliefs or understandings but when we voice them something changes. P is not alone in his feeling that people deserve to be punished. Just recently my friend on FB wrote something to the effect of, "Love is Love” (this was in regard to her vote for Pete Buttigeig), “I will never understand people who do not love and accept someone because of their sexual orientation". This is someone I have seen in many posts insinuate or outright say angry or hateful comments in regards to those with whom she disagrees. So I responded on her posts—  "Are those people lovable and acceptable? That is the key to understanding." She did not respond to that post, but immediately did respond to another post that was on her feed, where I had also commented. Someone made a comment about close minded people being good at criticizing, she gave that a like and I had responded, “hmmm, sounds like a criticism." So she responded to that remark: "close minded people deserve to be criticized". There you have it — what she is also saying is these people deserve to be punished. 

So there we were with this truth from my ten year old, same truth from my 50 something friend, a sense of righteous judgement that "the other" deserves punishment. But then comes our savior who is so filled with mercy, love and compassion. He is perfect without sin, the One truly NOT worthy of punishment and he does not punish us, but rather Loves us and is merciful. He tells us, “Go, and sin no more” (John 8:11). Who and what is this One, that we punish and hate and kill? He shows us that we are to love and serve. The One who is perfect in all ways, the Lord of Lords, the King of Kings, the Prince of Peace, who yet abases himself to that of a servant and washes his disciples feet (John 13:4 ff). Such beauty, such wonder. 

The "other" is always our mirror — that which perhaps is still hidden to our own eyes, or ears. That aspect of our being that has not been pulled up from its root, maybe just had its leaves trimmed. Things look pretty on the outside, but when we dig deep, when our eyes are opened and our ears can hear, then we might see clearly. Then we might weep in sorrow or humility and God's perfect grace can enter in and truly wash in us with his blood. Then we will sorrow no more. We can without pride or righteousness but in true longing to love Him more fully, say "forgive them Father for they know not" (Luke 23:34). We may all be worthy of punishment, but Christ gives us a new message, a new truth. We have been made whole and perfect in Him. Because we have been forgiven, we forgive the other which is not actually the other but is the One, in Christ. We can love freely because we are loved freely. He is the Savior of this world. This is the peace that passeth understanding (Philippians 4:7). Illogical, incomprehensible and yet available to us all.