Absolute Forgiveness

Recently the idea of forgiveness has come up in my family circles and exchanges. I have thought a great deal about this subject, and it is one I feel particularly fond of.

The first encounter was with my brother and the question came up as to whether one is truly forgiven, deserving of grace, without merit so to speak. Do we have to earn our forgiveness by our good deeds, and only then do we become worthy or capable of receiving? The second conversation was just upon our return from Europe, the night-of actually. My mother was telling me a story about her new friend and how he felt so much better after returning from his weekly mass. When my mother pressed a little, he explained it was the forgiveness he felt that turned his world right again and made his spirit well. As my mother recounted this story she began to tear up a little bit, empathetically adding that perhaps this was so important to him because he was particularly hard on himself, and so maybe his need was especially great in this arena. She presented me with this goldmine of a conversation at 10 PM at night after being up since 4 AM Paris time and traveling two flights with a young child and infant. We had just finished eating and I was crashing big time. I could barely form my words, let alone get into this subject, but the wheels were turning....there was so much to say. Alas, exhausted I took it in and went to bed.

So here I am a few weeks later approaching these subjects....

Two particular things come to mind, the first one is the story of Christ on the Cross:

One of the criminals who were hanged railed at him, saying, "Are you not the Christ? Save yourself and us!" But the other rebuked him, saying, "Do you not fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? And we indeed justly; for we are receiving the due reward of our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong." And he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom." And he said to him, "Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise." (Luke 23: 39-43)

He is there next to a thief, probably someone who has led a life of crime and is now paying the price with his life. This thief recognizes that he actually rightly deserves punishment, and in this humble recognition opens the door to the free gift. Christ does not say to him, "well good sir, this is your due punishment", but rather: "Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise." Holy cow, what? Completely forgiven just like that? Yes, completely. No act, no deed necessary, in that very moment full Love, full Forgiveness is both available and accessible. The thief recognized his wrongdoing and also his need for forgiveness. That was enough.

Of course there are places where Christ miraculously heals and then says: "you are healed go and sin no more." It is not because the Full Love and Forgiveness is available here and now that we go about doing things we know are contrary to Christ's teachings, but that is another post. For now, I’m sticking just to the forgiveness part. This for me squares away conversation one: there is nothing we can do, or that we need to accomplish in order to have Absolute forgiveness. It is a free gift. It is given by what He has already done, not something we have yet to do. This is the starting place. How wonderfully magnificently beautiful!! But why? And here I would enter into conversation two. We ALL want to be forgiven, fully, and loved fully, unconditionally. Our souls cry out with this need, NOT because we are especially hard on ourselves, or because we had a bad upbringing, an absentee parent, abusive teacher...the list goes on (you get the point). We all have a secret guilt for our very nature, which being human naturally falls short of God's glory. This is not a criticism; rather, this is the way we are built, and deep inside we know there is a better way to be.

Anyone has only to have a child, or observe a group of toddlers to see that kindness, sharing, patience, and generosity, to name a few "good" traits, are not our natural instincts. We teach these "moralistic" behaviors to our children because we believe them to be good, to be better for society than being cruel, violent and thinking only of ourselves. However even if we are a very, very good girl or boy, we still recognize within ourselves something that could be just a little nicer, more patient, kinder, or more generous. We may work against our selfish tendencies; we may do better in some aspects than others. We may even justify our not-so-good behaviors by our good charitable deeds and find a bit of solace there. Maybe.

Perhaps we can take things a step further leaving our deeds behind and move on to our thoughts. Christ says "Even if you think it, you have committed the act in your heart" (e.g., Matt. 5: 21, 22). Ouch! How many of us can claim to never have had an uncharitable thought from time to time? I think the point is clear: we all fall short of a goodness we know and understand on some level to be the "right thing". We may not always admit it, or acknowledge it, but deep inside we know this to be the case. Herein lies the desire, need, longing, to be fully forgiven, and I would add fully loved despite these very shortcomings. This is the beauty for me of Christ's message. He says this thing you desire is available for you in Me here and now, no strings attached.

Humor me here and close your eyes imagining that you are fully loved and fully forgiven for everything in your entire life past and life future to come. You have nothing to prove, you have nothing to accomplish, it is just a present. Is there not a lightening of a sense of burden? Christ says: 'Come unto me all ye who are heavy laden and I shall give you rest" (Matt. 11: 28). This is the power of forgiveness, a lifting of a sense of burden. We may also know this in our own experiences of forgiving another. That other person may not even know we are upset. It is not that the other person necessarily deserves our forgiveness, but when we forgive freely, regardless, we are released from the prison of a grudge and the other negative repercussions when holding on to anger, pain, sorrow, or any number of emotions that being unforgiving can bring about. "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy".

So those are my thoughts on forgiveness. When we acknowledge our very need, we open the lock to receive, and hence free ourselves from the burden we were never meant to carry.

Paris Illusions of Space and Time

It is said that God exists outside of time and space. This makes a lot of sense to me on many levels. There is the experiential level of deep communion where one completely loses the sense of time and space, and then more practically and logically our everyday experience and understanding of time and space.

It is easy to think about time being a man-made construct of minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years. My body shows a tale of time passing, but yet there remains something of me that feels unchanged despite this exterior. Everyone can relate to the experience of the endless thirty minutes at the end of a long day in a grocery store line, or when especially hungry and waiting at a busy restaurant. Or the contrary, time spent laughing and exchanging with a friend or loved one, you then look at your watches and two hours have passed. You do not know where the time went.

I am always especially struck by time and space relativity when I go to Paris. There is a true sense of a time warp, where it moves in a completely different way. Space too becomes this strange illusion. I will explain. In Paris things take longer, even little simple meaningless things. This past trip I needed a new bank card, my old one had been sent to our old address, so I never received a new card. I had written an email to the bank about a month before going but never received a response. When I asked about it, the gentleman told me he never got it? I went to the bank, about a twenty, twenty-five-minute walk, which means almost an hour for both ways – when you add in wait and teller time, a good hour. Here in the states I would drive 5 minutes, be given a new temporary card with code, while they would mail the permanent card to the updated address, and be done with the whole ordeal in a good half hour on a given morning. 

In France it went like this. My first trip to the bank, I explained the situation, I was told we would not change the address yet because if we changed the address they would send the new bank card there. So for now, we order a new bank card to be sent to the bank, and it will be there in a week. "Ok, can I use a check to take out some money?" "No, there is no money here. You would need to walk another 10-15 minutes to the next branch that has money."  

A week later I go back to the bank. My card is there: success! "Now can I use the card to withdraw from the machine?" “No, you need the code, which we do not have. That has to be mailed to you". OK, so now we do change the address in the computer, but not to our permanent address in Virginia, but rather to my grandparents’ address where we are staying. I will need to come back to the bank after I receive the mailed code in order to change the address to our permanent address in the US. 

About a week later I receive the new code, and return to the bank to change the address. So basically getting a new bank card (that I can actually use) and updating my online information took a month, four trips to the bank, and approximately 4 hours in travel time. A banal example, but you see the point. 

Then there is this strange space phenomenon. My grandparents live approximately a block from the Cite Universitaire. There are many buildings and a big open courtyard in the back. There are some music studios where I go to practice in the back corner. When you glance across the street from downstairs of my grandparents building, it literally looks a stone’s throw away. However, when you begin to walk there, you have to cross at the cross stop, then double back to the entrance. By the time you cross the courtyard to get to the music studios it is a good 15-minute walk....and yet it looks like it is just right there. 

I also had this same strange phenomenon of space and time at the Le château de Vaux le Vicomte. There are beautiful gardens there, expansive and manicured. There is an air of timelessness and spaciousness. I began to walk and felt like I was lost in another time. They do not look huge, but once you venture forth, it is as though they keep stretching. The time is passing and yet you look as though you have not walked so far. When you turn to head back you realize the seemingly short distance takes an hour or so to get back to the enormous Chateau. 

We are now leaving the chateau, I am having a heart to heart with my aunt about my aging grandparents and all the complications that this brings. I dare to ask her a bold question. I am curious, and it would be too raw, too sensitive or inappropriate to ask others. Do they have plans for their deaths, do they wish a funeral or burial, cremation? I really have no idea. They are not people of faith, so I really don't know how they feel about any of it. She says that my grandfather mentioned a plot, near a relative, and it was a good deal. "So they want to be buried there? Have they written somewhere their wishes?” My aunt surprises me – apparently, not to her knowledge, and nobody has broached these issues. It seems strange to me, considering how well thought-out and planned so many aspects of their lives are. I ask her what she thinks. She says that she believes you have to base decisions based on the people left behind. For example, when asked about her own mother, she did not want her buried right near her as it would be too painful, but on the other hand, she cannot support the idea of cremation. She wanted her mother buried near her childhood home where she could visit if she chose, but would not be saddened daily by a place she would pass frequently in her daily routes. 

It all seems so odd to me. I understand if you think and believe this is all there is, then I suppose the people left are the priority.... but what if it is not? What if there is something of that person that still exists in another form, plane, or dimension. Should we not honor what they desire? It is a somber moment. It feels to be outside of time and space, and I am floating in the illusion of what is and is not.

Jump ahead. Back in Richmond, slowly returning to home, feeling a little in between two planes, the Paris plane and the US plane. We are snowed in almost a week, this strange time warp continues, back to reality, everyday life, but not just yet. My heart feels a little sad, melancholic. Paris was so wonderful. I think about life, and death and everything in between. Why there is something rather than nothing? I think about our lives like a video production on a screen, each one with its unique story and then that story ends.

I ask Calvin about these things, and he says he understands. He says that something is good, better than nothing, philosophically speaking. He says also that knowing there is something that does continue on into eternity makes this life have more meaning. I see his point, I agree. If there truly is nothing after, then it is easy to see a certain stark futility -- one moment you experience tender cherished moments, and then they are gone. But if there is something that continues on, then this is only a small part of a much larger story. 

The beauty returns, the flower blossoms, releases its fragrance and beauty generously to this world; the winter comes, the flower dies, but its seeds have been blown by the wind and spread far and wide. When the spring comes a new patch of flowers blossoms and so it goes on into eternity, generously sharing its beauty and fragrance for all to enjoy.