So it seems I have had an experience
of writer’s block. OK, maybe that is an exaggeration, since I am not really a
writer per se. I have no formal training; it is not my career. I do not have a hovering
boss demanding my latest piece or deadlines looming that have to be met. But I
do enjoy this blog writing as an outlet for the many thoughts swarming around
in my mind. Somewhere I must feel I have something to say and want it to be
heard, even if it is only me hearing my own thoughts or maybe more precisely,
sorting them out and lining them up. Taking the thoughts beyond my inner world
and into the outer world of pen and paper, or keyboard and blog. It is
satisfying when there is feedback and ensuing conversation—the joy of diving
deeper into an issue, or discovering other subtle shades, the beauty of the
other that can inspire, or broaden, one's own limited perspective. It is also
satisfying just to write for no other reason than that. A cathartic activity,
creating not because you have to, just because you want to. Creating out of
love, as our Creator's very nature does.
All that being said, yes, I felt
blocked. I had a post, almost finished, but it just was not right. It went off
on too many tangents and was not making the point. I erased half and started
again. Then a new thought came in. “That is it”, I thought, but then the next
step of bringing it forward out of thought into writing just did not seem to
want to take place. I gave up, then let it go. I wanted to write, it just
didn't feel right, or right enough. Life got busy, stuff happens. I felt myself
falling into some negatives. Places I thought were healed and gone resurfaced
like an angry bear. The wounds felt more wide open than ever. “How can this be?”,
I thought, but there I was.
I just returned from a weekend away
at the Himalayan Institute. I took a long weekend seminar, Thursday through
Sunday. The topic was " The Healing Art of Yoga and Meditation." It
was as the saying goes, “just what the doctor ordered”. A little time away from
the daily grind, no meals to cook, a healing uplifting environment, being with
and supported by my family and lessons of deep knowledge and wisdom daily. No
emails to send, just taking it all in.
The topic of the blog post that was,
which never came to be, was about perfect justice. The main idea was that the only
true currency for perfect justice is forgiveness, essentially a letting go. A
loosening of the grip, the grip of pain, of the initial injustice that caused the
pain. An unraveling of every subsequent righteous thought attached to that
initial spur, and all its ensuing pricks. It occurred to me, if the scales of
justice have tipped too far to one side, then tipping them farther over to the
opposite side may feel satisfying to the wounded party, but ultimately creates
a continuum of imbalance and further damage. By truly forgiving and letting go,
the scales can come back to neutral and start afresh. I write this, which now
seems to come out much clearer than before, because during this seminar, some
of these same ideas really came to light for me.
In the end, perhaps there really is
no such thing as complete healing, but rather restoring balance. Those places
of pain, of suffering may always exist. We may always look at certain situations
and feel a sense of loss or sadness, but when we regain balance, it is ok. We
can embrace these wounds, not reject them. These very same situations no longer
take a role of negatives but rather are part and parcel with the path of healing
and enlightenment. They are not only needed, but are good and right.
When we are anchored in imbalance
they hurt, make us mad, seem unfair, and we have become disempowered. We talked
about Turku Thondup's idea from his book "The Healing power or Mind",
that we must reverse the thought of the dislike of suffering. It such a simple
thought in a way, and yet a truly powerful approach. Accepting and rejoicing in
our suffering not only leads to healing and enlightenment but it is the same path.
We
rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and
endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not
put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the
Holy Spirit who has been given to us. (Romans 5: 3-5).
When we reject these feelings, we
are in a battle with them, and they will bring us down, or at least have
negative consequences. I think one of the reasons I actually felt upset about
some of these recent negative emotions was not just that I was experiencing
them, but almost more strongly feeling like somehow I had been tricked. I
thought these things were healed and gone. How can it be that here they are? That
seemed almost worse than the actual initial feeling of what it was.
Funny how we continue to add to our
own suffering even by our very ideas about that suffering and how it should or
should not be. I am thinking now it is more like a person with very fair skin. This
person has a beautiful, creamy complexion admired by many, it is a part of who
they are. When they are a little negligent and forget a hat and sunscreen, they
will pay with the pain of a bad burn and perhaps some embarrassment at how
their once pristine complexion is now an angry tomato. Time will pass and they
will return to their pristine complexion. They will be restored to their unique
natural make-up, and all will be well. However, a basic knowledge of their
condition and vigilant care to what that make-up requires is necessary to avoid
the imbalance of becoming a red tomato head.
A daily spiritual practice can be
our sunscreen and hat, not necessarily to change our natural composition, but
rather to embrace that composition, knowing it is part and parcel of the path
we are on. We can rejoice when it lies dormant and is "healed", and
we can rejoice equally when it rears its ugly head as a sweet reminder that
something is a little out of alignment and might
need some tender loving care, to be gently guided back into balance.
