A Poem for a Change

Fall swept in overnight, so it seems.
At night a moon beam called and was answered into now.
Coolness propels me forward as I run through your essence.
Beware of the low branch where the spiders now play,
Weaving their tapestries and guiding our way.
Soon to be pumpkins on doorsteps.
Smiling and scaring our spirits each night,
The children are ready with costumes,
A fright to celebrate your beauty, your colors, your might.

Winter bear will soon embrace me,
Coaxing gently with soft moans.
At first will I resist,
Only to be succumbed by your soft pillow chest.
I lay my head upon you,
And with claws protecting and rocking
In your hammock I doze.
The dream is fully formed.
Now wandering through the mind,
There is music, and chocolate and babies who croon.
There are whispers and hushes as the pictures change.
There are crowds and then loneliness in a sullen pond.

Stop poking, persisting, your beak is too sharp, I am not ready yet.
My slumber is warming, my heart is closed shut.
Your chirps are disturbing, your buzzes so strong,
Please let me sleep just one more moment long.
Oh butterfly you conquer, your beauty too great,
You tempt me and pull me to flight oh so light.
My eyes are now open, the bees lead the way,
Your fragrance dear flowers intoxicates my day.

Oh day you grew longer,
Your nights are more bright.
I jump and I swim in pure summer's delight.
Pure bliss is my state,
Not a chill or a burden, no cares in my mind.
The voyage begins as it ends once more,
We navigate our paths until safely ashore.

The Miracle of Faith

Faith is a funny concept. I believe I wrote before about faith and how we make leaps of faith every day. We act in faith when we set the alarm to wake us in the morning or when we buy food for the week. Yet, when we are called to make a leap of faith outside the realm of our normal activities, somehow it seems absurd. I see faith as a kind of riddle. Once we know the answer to the riddle, it is so simple and straightforward. What was shrouded in darkness and mystery is fully illuminated and has become obvious. It is hard to conceive of how it could not have always been so. It seems to me that somehow miracles and faith are intimately connected. Once we take the leap of faith—the trusting of something larger than our limited view—the panorama shifts, and it is larger and more beautiful than we could have imagined. But if we stay safe within the castle walls, we can never really know what lies on the other side. 

Recently Calvin was engaged in a conversation with his sister about God, the Bible and various teachings and stories. She seemed to conclude that she could not believe in God because she could not agree with certain biblical stories that did not make logical sense to her. It seemed that unless she could fully understand and accept or agree with, on a basic level, all of it, that she must reject the whole thing. What a funny approach, I thought, what subject of any vastness does one approach from the get-go with the idea that I must understand everything about the subject and be in agreement with it before I enter into exploring it? It seems a bit crazy really, but I don't think her reasoning is at all uncommon when it comes to a belief in God. 

With almost anything that pursues, there is a great deal of unknowing, yet still a willingness to enter into the subject or activity with the understanding that you learn as you go. If the Bible really is a book in some sense designed or even inspired by God to teach about all of life and spirit, then perhaps its vastness and depth are never fully understood? I think if we are able to embrace the idea of something greater than our current knowing, it lies within that very willingness to actually make it a possibility. 

Faith—A few miracles come to mind, one where Jesus turned the water into wine at the marriage of Cana (John 2:1-11), and another, the feeding of the 5,000 (Mark 6:30-44). It is interesting to me in both of these miracles there is something very tangible to our current understanding. However, the call is to take that understanding just a little bit further than our logical left-brain comfort zone. One can certainly conceive of the rain from the heavens nourishing and watering the vine, to produce the grape, to fall to the ground and ferment then voila: "beaujolais nouveau au nature". We can look at a piece of fish in our plate whole and solid, and begin to flake it into pieces—it seems to multiply before our eyes, what was one solid fish is now 1,000 fish flakes ready to feed the masses. 

If Christ is in Divine alignment, constant communion, able to carry out his Father's perfect will, it makes it not such a huge leap of faith to conceive of the space time continuum being mastered, functioning outside of the "normal." Even science has concluded that after a road long travelled in aiming to unravel the origins and function of reality, there is a place that arrives at a great mystery—cause and effects changed by the observed. These examples of miracles are concrete enough to grasp, yet demand just a bit more. If one is willing to go the extra mile, the fruit is produced of its own accord. The riddle is answered. Christ calls us to be like children — “Whoever humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Matt. 18:4). These little ones can sometimes illuminate the magical freedom to be found when the logic is not so fully formed as to build a closed cage. We have heard the expression "free your mind" in song and memes, but therein does lie a true thing. The link between mind and reality are perhaps more fluid that we care to embrace. Can we walk on the unsteady waters, yet know we are held and loved by something so much larger and more perfect than we could ever imagine? Only way to know is to dive in with a leap of faith...then let the miracles begin.

Love Is Not the Answer

A few months ago at the Royal wedding Bishop Curry preached a sermon. The world was in awe at the beauty and power of his sermon. I met Bishop Curry about 11 years ago in Raleigh at Church of the Nativity which I was attending at the time. We sang for him several times, and he was always grateful and made a point to thank the musicians. Whenever he was at church, he always brought with him a ray of sunshine that seemed to be bursting forth with Christ's love. It just naturally poured forth from his being. He has said "if there is not Love, there is not God." I loved Bishop Curry the first moment I met him. When the world responded to Bishop Curry's "charisma" (as one atheistic/agnostic friend remarked and named it) I thought to myself: that is not "charisma", that is Truth. 

When Truth speaks, people feel it, respond to it, react to it. I am often disappointed after church. Maybe my expectations are too high. I want to hear a preacher, not one who tells me his or her political view and then tries haphazardly to glue it to the scripture of the day. Not one who mockingly describes beliefs different than his or her own with an air of superior righteousness “None is righteous, no, not one” (Romans 3:10). Rather, I want to hear the Truth, plain and simple. Give me the scripture, perhaps illuminate the historical or scenario context and then get out of the way and let Truth speak. It will work its way into the depth of each being’s individual needs and illuminate and transform of its own accord. That is the power of the living, breathing word of God. 

The Bible tells us the heart is evil. “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9). I have to admit, I always find that pill a bit hard to swallow. It seems there is something pure and good in the heart. Something that informs, perhaps informs even that deepest innate knowing of God. “For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them” (Romans 1:19). There is though the heart’s deception, and maybe this is what that scripture points us to. We often hear “love is love”, “love is good”. In fact the scripture says "God is Love". Christ tells us the sum of the law and prophets is to first love God with all your soul, heart and mind, and the second is like unto it: love your neighbor as yourself. John 3:16 tells us God sent his only begotten son out of love to save the world. Such a powerful and touching scripture, not sent out of the will to judge and condemn but rather out of love. We feel Christ's pure love when he goes to the lost in mercy and even in his darkest moments pleads with his Father, in love: "forgive them, Father, for they know not". It seems in all this, love rules supreme. 

And yet, what is this about the evil heart? My aunt Suzanne once said, "I often pray to have made known my secret sins", and this is my light bulb moment. I think this illumines the difference, one kind of love is small, self-driven love, and the other is Agape love—the fountain that never stops flowing, the pure source that is the beginning and the end—The Alpha and Omega. The other is small love masked in all kinds of subtle self-serving needs. This love can feel like the real deal, and therein lies its own deceptive nature. Take Dante's Inferno and his infamous adulterous lovers Francesca and Paulo: the question remains for them, how can something that feels so ecstatic, so pure, so wonderful be bad? And yet...modern day psychology tells us that betrayal is one of the most difficult hardships a human being can bear, one from which many never recover.

I have a friend at church and I remember telling him about a story of a sister who was to be artificially inseminated, and he immediately in a very PC way said, "Yes I have no problem with that, good for her", but later I thought to myself: “but what about the child?” What about the child never knowing or having a father? We have our loves, our drives and ambitions....but what about the other? We are not islands. I believe we are connected perhaps more profoundly than we realize, our thoughts and actions affect others, often in ways we could not imagine.

Maybe this is the difference between a small self-driven love, albeit pleasurable and perhaps seemingly good, and the other enduring and constant, unchanging love of the Father. The difference of the sometimes love in our hearts, which can quickly turn to despising when our self-driven needs are not met. The classic love-hate relationship! Christ illuminates the core of the Agape love when he sacrifices his very being for the other, all the others. Even in his last breath, asking his Father for this cup to be taken from him and yet drinking it willingly, knowing fully the effect it would and could have for the other. 

Agape love, ever calling us and challenging us to find the subtle shades of small love and to expand its horizons beyond....beyond pleasure, beyond comfort, but eventually to rest in a peace much larger and more enduring than that which we can even conceive of if we continue to cling to the other. Love is not the answer, Agape love is!

The Way, the Truth, and the Life

One of the joys I have found in writing a blog, is a cathartic effect. Taking the ever active thoughts that circle in the monkey mind, streamlining them, and bringing them out into the world. Sometimes the mere act of writing encourages clarity and perspective to enter in. It sorts through the cobwebs and untangles the knots. I feel at least for the moment a little lighter and more free than the moment before. Another sweetness added to the pot is the exchanges they foster with others. Sometimes my husband, Calvin, and often my aunt Suzanne.

My aunt Suzanne is actually not my aunt at all, but somehow that is how I have called her and that is what stuck. She is a brilliant being, actually my mother's first cousin. My grandmother and her mother are sisters. Suzanne literally and figuratively dances through life with joy and positivity. She, like me, comes from an atheistic French mother, but somehow we have both landed in Jesus and Christianity. I love the feedback she shares, and her perspective always makes me think a bit harder and probe a little deeper. It is a cherished gift. She is that "other" that I have spoken of, that other that uplifts and inspires. That other that makes the difference that we cannot make on our own—the continued and ever present need for the other, that completes our lives, and the cycle goes on, round and round.

Recently she sent me this from "Joseph Campbell's The Power of Myth :

Getting back into that Garden (of Eden) is the aim of many. When Yahweh threw man out of the Garden, he put two cherubim at the gate, with a flaming sword between them. Now, when you approach a Buddhist shrine, with the Buddha seated under the tree of immortal life, you will find at the gate two guardians—those are the cherubim, and you're going between them to the tree of immortal life. In the Christian tradition, Jesus on the cross is on a tree, the tree of immortal life, and he is the fruit of the tree. Jesus on the cross, the Buddha under the tree—these are the same figures. And the cherubim at the gate—who are they? At the Buddhist shrines you'll see one has his mouth open, the other has his mouth closed—fear and desire, a pair of opposites. If you're approaching a garden like that, and those two figures there are real to you and threaten you, if you have fear for your life, you are still outside the garden. But if you are no longer attached to your ego existence, but see the ego existence as a function of a larger, eternal totality, and you favor the larger against the smaller, then you won't be afraid of those two figures, and you will go through. We are kept out of the Garden by our own fear and desire in relation to what we think to be the goods of our life.

I found this to be such a profound and interesting paragraph and it sparked so many thoughts. On the one hand I agree with the writer that we can draw parallels and find the common ground in religious figures and stories. I definitely agree with the sentiment that inspired the sharing of the text in the first place, the ego's role in our lives, and it being a part of the function of the larger whole, and not the center of what is. But in another sense when I think of Buddha and I think of Christ, I see so many distinct differences.

It seems there are a couple of schools of thought when it comes to religion and their practices. Aside from those who reject religion altogether as some kind of man-made evil, or merely as system designed for power, control and manipulation (which I think is disingenuous, unexamined and overly simplistic), it seems for those, that at least in part embrace religion on some level, there are those that believe all religions are essentially the same. They believe that all religions are saying the same things and using different methods towards the end goal (to know God). I do agree there is some truth to this, and I think that a while ago I would have fit squarely in this camp. Then you have some people that are convicted that their religion is the true religion and all others are sorely misguided. There is also another area, where one can see the similarities and unified goals, but also recognize the unique subtleties and what those shades of color may or may not produce.

I used to feel frustrated when Calvin would dig his heels in on a passage or a point. Often after a sermon I would come out with a broad understanding of a spiritual implication that spoke to my understanding of truth. Calvin would focus in on the passage in a much more scrutinizing way, really insisting on the relevance of a certain turn of phrase, or often the context in which the passage was written and how that context subsequently would not allow for such a broad and sometimes simplistic over-arching truth. Rather it would point to a very specific application. Over time after many a heated discussion and back and forth, and often after letting go of my version of truth, I would not only see his understanding, but really appreciate the largeness in the subtlety of the detail. Sometimes the drops in the bucket add up and overflow, and each drop is it's own pearl of wisdom leading to the water of life.

When it comes to the specific writing example above, I can see a through-line in the idea that we are all made in God's image, the Buddha nature, the yogi's saying The Divinity in me salutes the Divinity in you. Buddhism to me seems like a very practical approach to life. How to master the mind, so the mind is not the master of you. How to live by it's simple straightforward, yet profound and noble truths, how these truths perhaps clear the individual consciousness from its own neurotic, self-sabotaging tendencies and make a path to experience something larger. Christ says "I am the way, the truth and the life, no man cometh unto to the father but by me" (John 14V6). Now one can understand this in a very limited way, and it still be rooted in perfect truth, but there is a way to understand this in its broader context too.

Who was Jesus the God-Man; what did he teach; what was his essence; how does his very being show us what God is and help us in our humanness to understand with such subtlety, yet clarity? When we read his words, the parables, study his lessons, that which is so much greater

is illumined through him. It is that illumination which leads us to the Father. And yet.... there are those that proclaim his name, without any of that understanding and their lives begin to change. Those that claim that Jesus came to them in a dream. The mystery, the miraculous.

There is an openness and expansiveness in seeing the connected synergies of all things. While there is a mutual goal in seeking through one of the varying paths and ways, for me there seems to be something unique about this self-proclaimed "son of man". I personally cannot put Jesus Christ in the same category of every other teacher, healer, and enlightened guru as many do. Maybe I am biased because of my personal Bhakti devotional nature and my own experience of the Risen Christ, but to me he stands out. There is something supremely unique in his way that touches people of so many different paths. Something very personal.

Buddhism does not believe in a personal God, but Christ calls his Father Abba (Mark 14:36) and encourages us to do the same. Not to merely bask in God's divine presence, but to be in conscious relationship with ultimate consciousness, perfection, the creator, the I-am-that-I-am, the alpha and the omega (Rev. 1:8). To me there is something unique and special there.

I was in a period of darkness in my life some years ago. I think I had been seeking a long time, my whole life, in a way. Always had a firm faith in God and spirit. On my trip to Peru with a missionary friend she kept talking about a prayer to ask Jesus Christ into your heart. So I did, what did I have to lose? My life changed dramatically (not eventually), although there were some changes that took time to manifest and continue to deepen and grow to this day. But in Peru after that day—literally, immediately in the days that followed—my life was forever altered. Truth was revealed in a clarity that was unparalleled. My eyes that were blind could see and I was given ears to hear (Matt. 13:16) . Why? Years later some new-age type friends mentioned the energetic component to Peru, and maybe that plays into things too. Maybe all those years of seeking found the ripe moment to bear fruit? “Seek and you will find, knock, and it will be opened to you” (Matt. 7:7). But maybe that is just another facet of God's greater plan when synchronicity is beyond logic. I can not explain it, but I experienced it, so the mystery can remain, and I am fine with that. Maybe that too is part of what it is all about, being OK with knowing and not knowing so much in simultaneous harmony.

The Power of the Word

Of late I have been pondering the Word. God literally spoke existence into being. “He spoke and it came to be.” (Psalm 33:9) In thinking about order there seems to be a process that goes something like this: our being knows, our mind organizes, and then lastly (before manifestation into the physical plane comes the word), the speaking into existence that somehow makes things that were abstract become real. We can think something in our mind forever but once it is said, for better or for worse, the ripple is concretely in the cosmos of existence. We can have a sense of something, but when someone else says it, somehow it has power. 

Mantra practice, the repetitions of a word or phrase, is considered an ancient science, involving the study of the power of the word, the sound vibration and its consequent manifestation. There is a wise woman counselor I see occasionally whose name is Charlene. She is a life coach, a mystic, a psychic, a black belt in Taekwondo, a yoga teacher, a grandmother, and has also worked high profile jobs in the corporate world. She is spiritual, yet grounded and always says things that I find helpful and also that make me think. She talked before how every time a word is spoken it has a new energy, so is different than the time before (this was in reference to being subjected to information you already know). More recently in the context of a conversation about action verses humility, we spoke about the concept of being fully engaged, in other words doing the best you can do and doing it fully. 

We are here on this plane, in these bodies for a reason, and that means action, not inertia. But then there is the question of the ego and humility. She says it is inevitable that any action we take the ego is indeed involved, it is attached, part of the process. Then she said, "how could it be otherwise". In the moment it struck me, it seemed like a resignation. Sure the ego can catapult action, maybe its motives are not always pure (competitiveness, or to impress the other), but true: the results can sometimes be positive. We push ourselves, test our limits, and although the ego may be driving for the purpose of the other, that other is ultimately what is making us better, and the ego is just doing its job. 

What initially struck me as disappointing, as time passed actually became a real comfort. I would say the phrase to myself at times:  "How could it be otherwise?". And the physical reaction was palpable. Low in my abdomen I would feel a release, a letting go. Almost a sigh that said, you are human and that is enough. It was such a freeing feeling that it kind of became a mantra. 

The mind is so funny. If I were to say, "just let go, it does not matter any way", I hold on tighter. But when I say, "how could it be otherwise"—release. I started combining this very earthly idea, with the other idea that I adopted from my sister-in-law. She is a warm-hearted, open-spirited Indian woman. She frequently says "All glory be to God". This to me seemed to be the second part of the equation. We are thinking and trying and acting like the doer. We do this and do that, and carry our actions, but when I combined how could it be otherwise followed by All glory be to God, something magical happened. The power of these words seems to release me (the doer) to become me (the channel), and I feel his Presence. It may be a fleeting moment, but the moment is real. The mantra has the effect, and the manifestation is manifest.

Faith: A Bad Rap

It seems to me faith is something that is mistreated. Faith is mocked, scorned, and ridiculed. One who has a firm, unshakable faith can also be referred to as someone with "a blind faith". It is a funny misnomer in my opinion, because the one with this kind of faith, in fact sees plenty. They see the world of the unseen and acknowledge its truth and its power. They see more, not less. The Bible says, "Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed" (John 20:29). Why? What exactly is faith and why are we called to it? It is interesting that those most critical of faith act in faith all the time. We act in faith when we go to bed at night and set our alarm clock. We act in faith when we buy groceries for the week, and we act in faith when we start a college fund. We don't mock these behaviors as childish or superstitious. On the contrary, we exalt these acts as being good and responsible, preparing for that which is ahead—sacrificing in the now in order to assure at least in part, comfort, and stability in the unknown.

There is a world that may not be linear, but it is real and reveals truth—a world that informs us in ways we know, but perhaps cannot yet dance or articulate. We know this to be true when we have an awkward exchange with someone, when we perceive something "off color". Sometimes we just can't quite put our finger on it, but we know with a fullness of our being that it is real. We may try to recite the account to another, telling what the person said, the words that were used, the intonation, their body language, but even all that information might not hold the ultimate key. "I don't know, I can't explain exactly what, but it was off". It is real, it was perceived, yet unexplainable.

There is also the other kind of perception that can be created, maybe not grounded in truth, and yet is real. For example, the woman who is convicted in her own mind that a certain dress is unflattering to her bloated tummy, she is self-conscious and perhaps overly concerned. Perhaps an observer knowing nothing of her personal issue and dissatisfaction, looks at her dress and finds it very pretty. In noticing a lingering glance, she immediately is reaffirmed in her own convictions that the dress is unflattering and that the person who is in actuality admiring, is looking on critically. This is that strange reality, that is not based in truth but yet very real to the person experiencing it. Even if their own perception of the reality or event is false, there is a reality that exists and is real. It is real to that person experiencing it, and therefore it exists.

Faith is a belief and a commitment to a reality that exists, that is perhaps unseen but grounded in truth. Ultimate Truth. It is the objective reality that whether you believe in it or not, it exists, and stands steady. It is a vibrant living reality unchanging in its nature. Whether you perceive it or not, it is there. It is not subjective perception, but ultimate truth, and remaining faithful and convicted in faith is not Pollyanna, it is no easy task. It is not something to be mocked and scorned but rather it is something to be admired. It demands courage and strength. It would be easy to say nothing means anything, there really is no such thing as right and wrong, good and evil, and live life with no responsibility or commitment to something higher than our own selfish desires. That does not mean it will be a joyous, fulfilled life. Most likely it will not be. When God calls us to observe his commandments. “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matt 11:28). It is ultimately for our own good, although sometimes in our darkened state we do not see it or feel it that way.

We all have a sense of right and wrong, good and evil. Sure, the perimeters around what that means, and what those lines are differ greatly, but the basic intuitive understanding exists, and it is real. Our whole being shouts out at gross injustice and says it is wrong, our soul cries for the wrong to be made right. It does not matter what social mores or governmental pressure is in place, killing millions of Jews for the mere sake of their Jewishness is wrong. It is not a question of what works best for a flourishing society or getting along. Something in us says, wrong. Not because I think it is wrong or because I just don't like it, but because there is an objective truth that is operating and dictating this wrong. It is larger than me or you, it exists and speaks and we know.

Conversely on a beautiful spring day, a clear blue sky, pink flowers blooming, birds chirping, a child laughing and joyfully drinking up the essence of all this beauty, our souls smile and something says this is good, this is right. We know fully there is something good here, not a thought or an opinion, but pure unadulterated good. “God saw that it was good” (Gen. 1:10). Sometimes the voice of truth is clear as a bell, and other times it is subtle and yearning. It is like a sound in the far-off distance that beckons. You cannot fully make out the story, but it is there waiting to unfold. I choose to believe that that deepest part of our being is being informed by something great, something true and ultimately good.

Faith is not just the belief though, it is ultimately the relationship. It is a long-term commitment, and like most long-term commitments requires a lot of nurturing. Spending time, coming back to, having patience, hope, trust, and ultimately love. A love of that which is good, right and true. A love of that which is love itself: “God is love” (I John 4:8). It is the Agape love relationship, walking together day to day, coming back to, drifting slightly. We are the tide to his ocean. Faith is beautiful but not for the faint of heart. It is not blind, but rather all seeing. When nurtured accordingly the garden of faith will bear the most beautiful fruit, and you will be full.

Absence and Being

I have missed writing. At first, we returned from summer vacation, hectic with life's many demands. Getting readjusted to life at home, and prepared for another school year to begin. Then when I went to write my keyboard went crazy, it had a mind of its own. Adding spaces, capitals at will, changing letters for other letters randomly. There was the trial period, new chargers, different iPad, which would work for a moment and then back to its own double personality. I gave up. It took a short while to purchase another and then it was holiday season. Christmas shopping, travels, family...the clock kept ticking and the time quickly passed.

I started to do a post in January but got cut off. Then more time passed, I was ready to write—dead battery. Sometimes it is our will that drives our actions, and sometimes we become painfully aware of a greater will that has a direction and a purpose, and nothing in our power or will, will change that. Finally, I am back. I have had thoughts come and go. At times they almost made it to paper, and alas the moment was gone. It seems in life there are these precipices, tight ropes, that we need to seize and take action on just at the right moment, find our balance and act. Too much forcing and the joy and spontaneity is gone, too much resting and the impetus vanishes and is lost, like a cloud that forms and passes and is no more.

I thought last summer about the funny incident in our neighborhood to install a little library. How the neighborhood became an uproarious flurry of emails. Did we need it, or not? Was it worth the money? Where to put it? It was strange how this little glorified birdhouse for books became such a contentious issue. It seemed to tie into people’s deepest selves and attachments. It became about education, home, property and money. One woman even likened it to the recent Trump/Clinton election when some decisions were made without a fair vote, but rather a few emails back and forth. Really? The election? People became exasperated, and one particular email that was accidentally sent ended up being my favorite, it said "I have the $250. I am a hero, stop the F%@#@ing! "

It was quickly met with an offense at the offense, and then a response from the original sender explaining a joke. It was a mishap gone wrong—his wife grabbing the phone to stop him from sending did just that. He in fact, never intended on actually sending it. All of this to say, it revealed for me again the complexity of human beings. How something so trite is connected to such deep areas for so many people and created a whole chain of events.

I have been listening to Dr. Jordan Peterson lately, and I like him a lot. He is a professor in Canada who recently became very controversial. I am enjoying a lecture series on the stories of the Bible and their psychological significance. It is fascinating and inspiring. One girl wrote to him and said she did an ayahuasca ceremony, and he came into her vision. When she asked the plants what his purpose was, the response she received was that he was here to share the Divine Masculine with the world, for which there was a need at this time. Interesting. He speaks a lot about this balance between order and chaos, and this resonates with me a lot.

There seems to be this interwoven theme in existence of creativity and unordered consciousness, calling for order and structure in order to become creatively free, but truly free because now it is being sustained by the ordered structure. Christ says: Truly, I say unto you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdome of heaven” (Matt. 18:3). And yet Christ did not come to abolish the law, but rather to fulfill the law (Matt. 5:17). As he came into the world without sin, he was indeed the fulfillment of the law already and from there he turns the status quo upside down and goes beyond the law. However never does he just abolish the law or disregard its necessity. There are times when he shows clear authority of the law. He goes among the sinners and calls them to repentance. He does not just say, “keep doing what you are doing, none of it matters”.

In his call for us to become like children, I think about what this means. There is a difference between childlike—which is rather endearing—and childish which is mostly annoying. But why? Why is a child's innocence and charm grating and frustrating when a certain age is passed and perhaps expectation is not met? Why is an older person who can look at life with a child's joy and curiosity endearing and infectious? It seems there is a subtle and not so subtle distinction at play. It seems to be something like the difference between joy and happiness. A child who gets candy becomes very happy, or a puppy who greets you demonstrates bouncing-off-the-wall happiness. Yet that same child shortly will throw a tantrum at the crash, and the puppy will destroy your newest leather shoes. Joy is different. Joy is more profound. It entails more within it and perhaps more importantly has an enduring quality, not a mercurial spontaneity. Mercurial spontaneity may not lack in charm, but the rollercoaster ride is unlivable, untenable. There seems to be an inevitable price to pay. When I think of an analogy for joy, I think of Bach. Somehow he seems to capture all of life in his pieces. Even the most joyful piece has an element of melancholy, there is a sense of the mundane turning of the day-to-day, and a penetrating unexplainable simultaneous complexity and simplicity. It is essence captured in sound. It is full, and it is Joy.

What is this process that calls us to dive into chaos, pure creativity, the dream, the vision. Then to come out and carefully and meticulously order it, only to set it free, like a kite tethered to our hand yet freely flying in the wind. These small deaths and rebirths creating something new, something of depth, and something enduring. Christ dies the ultimate death on the cross and calls for us to do the same time and time again, the sacrifice, the death, the rebirth to something more—the giving up and away of our lives in order to actually have a life worth living—“Whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” (Matt. 10:39).

I think about beautiful glass work, how even a child could form a melted shape with color that would have allure, but the expert will come, take that charming trinket, rekindle the fire, melt a bit here, reshape a bit there, and out will come the masterpiece. The changes are subtle and yet not so subtle, something of charm becomes something of glory. The light reflects now in just the right places, its brilliance penetrates something unexplainable in words and logic, yet perhaps more real than that which can be explained. It is felt in our being and no explanations are needed.

There seems to be these two planes in life at times, one where nothing matters because it is all futile in a sense. What the material world offers will fade and perish. Our own physical bodies will become dust. The flip side, or other plane is this idea that it all matters and not just a little bit, but greatly. Our actions, our words and down to our very thoughts matters (Matt. 5: 21 ff.). He knows the number of hairs on our heads (Matt. 10:30) and we are here for a purpose.

I am back to the tightrope walking that line between order and chaos. It matters greatly, and not at all. It is out of our hands, yet we are partners with that which is greater, the cosmic dance. I am on a precipice on pointe, yet my toe through the rocks is tethered to the mountain. My hair flies in the wind reaching to the sky. My being is rocked by the breeze and cradled in his wisdom. There is a moment of freedom and bliss, until the chaos and order call, for the next death and rebirth.

Mother Love

A mother's love is so deep and complex....not all mothers, perhaps. But I could guess a great many. There are those too young mothers who feel the burden of their young one weighing down their days. They feel the pressure of not enough money or education. Their youthful fun is being robbed by a hungry, needy being. They dream about the would-have, could-have, should-haves that are no more, all the while their sweet precious one transforms before their blind eyes. There are those who perhaps rush through too many lost moments, trying to be and accomplish before the clock runs out, missing what is that will never again be. I believe though that most mothers are amazed and grateful for the gifts bestowed upon them, the wonder and awe that these tiny, too little, then not so little, ever-changing beings bring to one’s life.

I look at my boys, and I am that mother. There are those aspects that we name away by biology and genetics. It is aunty so and so's smile or papa's strong will. Sure. we can name some traits, good and bad and dismiss their true belonging to ones who came before, but when I gaze deeply into the sparkle in my boys’ eyes, I see not another but truly them. The sparkle informs me of a gift from a star, formed by the maker in perfection. They are wonderfully complex and unique beyond measure.

There are nooks and crannies I do not know, although he does. He knows the dreams in their hearts and the hairs on their heads. Of this I am sure. There is a wonderful solidity in some of this, the aspects that I know to be unchanging, his goodness, his omnipotence, his sovereignty.

There is also something terribly scary. It is that knowledge which passeth all understanding, a mighty plan destined always for good....even through the darkest most unexpected tragedies. I look at my boys and I tremble. I tremble for all the reasons no one seems to talk about before motherhood. We certainly can't imagine the depth of love and sacrifice we might be willing to give, and that is ok. What we don't imagine is that aspect of ourselves that is so tied into our little ones, that we feel, feel so very much. We feel our butterflies when we hear them call or cry out from a skinned knee. We feel the anticipation of that day when first love will surely break a heart, and we feel the fear and helplessness of the unknown.

It comes is odd ways too. I look at Pierson and he is my P. I look at Soren and he is our Thor. One is a snowflake, the other a viking. P alternates between exuberant energy and being a scared kitty. Sometimes he withers like a violet and cries a bit too easily, his artistic personality makes him both beautifully and overly sensitive. Sometimes I play the role of a drill sergeant. I tell him boldly, "sit up straight, stop your crying and try it again". He pleads and cries in a whiny voice, I insist. He buckles up, quivering lip and all and does the task at hand. Inside I have a small chuckle: it is only a game. I play the tough one, to push him through, so that through me he can know that he too is strong. When he completes the task, he has surprised himself, and love pours forth. He says, " I love you mommy", I know the game is well played and each time he will begin tear drop by tear drop, to fill his bucket of strength.

The other is so different, a mountain of strength. He pushes me around in a chair at two, he wholeheartedly body-slams, with his big generous heart leading the way. He has no fear, he does not whine or cry when he does not get his way, he screams and stomps the floor in defiance. He is a force to be reckoned with, and yet, and yet it is he that I fear for more. Maybe it is because he is the young one and a mother naturally feels the need to protect the little one, but I don't think so. It is the strange irony of life, that makes me fear the worst. That it is the strong one that would surprise us most, the most unlikely, and so it holds the power of the unexplainable.

P has a simple wisdom at times, so beyond his years. Sometimes these little gems pop out of his delicate pink lips and his big brown eyes sparkle. I am always taken aback.

Soren (Thor) is a little monster, my sweet little monster man. He tests and he tries, all the while playing the game, he has a half smirk and devious look in his perfect bright light eyes. He glances at me sideways waiting to see what mommy will do. "No Soren, bad boy" I say in my firmest voice, trying not to laugh at his coy sweetness. “Fine,” he says, “I will take charge here.” He frowns and begins to slap is plump pink cheeks. "No, no, no, angel—do not hit yourself". He begins to cry, he feels guilty, he looks at me and in his most begging kindest tone, says "bisou, or nursies". Of course, my little love, I will always, always forgive you, even the most egregious act. I am your maman, and my heart knows no other way. P chimes in, "He wants to make sure he has not broken the connection"! Yes, dear P, yes he does.

In the end, P's fear, his sensitivity is a kind of prudence too. He thinks..... a lot. Sure, he is an eight year-old boy and sometimes seems oblivious. The other side though is always pondering, questioning, analyzing, and in the end I feel it will protect him, to an extent.

The other is the mystery. I fear that things will come maybe a little too easy for him. He is our little Nordic Viking. And yet, he always, since the day he was born, seems to have one little chest cold, or sinus type infection.

I look out at the huge beautiful trees in the back yard, the sun shimmers on their leaves, I feel God's presence and perfection in his perfect creation. I think about the young mama who recently passed leaving three unfinished girls to a heavy-hearted father when skin cancer claimed her time. I think about the singer who was married a year and her husband was lost to an accident one morning on his way to work.

It is the mystery that is troubling, I want to leave that to Job. Alas, a mother's heart is never the same—mostly it is sweet, but there is in it a little bit of bitter too.

He is Risen, and We Have Fallen

Over Thanksgiving we had a wonderful trip. We were invited to Charleston, SC to visit Calvin's oldest brother and family. We were also joined by Calvin's parents, his youngest sister, and my mom and one of her boyfriends. It was one of those trips where everything seemed to go just about as close to perfect as possible. Smooth rides both ways with kids, a lovely balance of seeing family, and some private couple time at our hotel. No drama, good food—at times relaxing, at times stimulating. A pleasant change from the daily routine, and just the right amount of time that when it was over we felt ready to return home and get back to our own surroundings. When asked about the trip, I raved about what a lovely vacation it was.

For spring break this year we decided to go to my mom's and spend a couple of days there, then head to South Carolina to visit Calvin's family. This trip, it turns out, was not like the first. In fact, at times it felt like the complete opposite. It is funny how sometimes it seems that God gives us these little clues when things are going to try us and test us just a little bit more than usual. We look back—and as they say hind sight is 20/20—and see the little clues along the way that say take heed.

We started out with thinking my mom would be happy to see her grandkids, a welcome visit. The first email that discussed our potential itinerary was met with less than enthusiasm. It seems that it might not even be possible to come visit my mom. She currently has Victoria, a homeless woman living in "Pierson's" room, and also had her godson who was waiting for his apartment to be finished living upstairs. It appeared it might have been a bit too much for a family of four and two dogs, understandably so. So then Calvin and I discussed going perhaps just to South Carolina. After the first conversation with his brother we found out they had plans to possibly go to DC the exact time we proposed to come down. So we went back to the drawing board. Maybe since DC is just a couple hours away—and aside from visiting the history museum, we still as a family have not properly visited the city—this would be a good opportunity.

As it turned out, the godson decided to get a hotel for a week and the brother's DC trip was cancelled, so we ended up going back to plan A. but it seems already there were signs that this was not one of those times where everything would just seamlessly fall into place. For some reason upon arrival in Raleigh we all seemed to be particularly tired and grumpy. I found myself struggling with Victoria's presence. Her strong and not-so-subtle personality was really working my nerves. I was battling inside my mind. "Let it go, this is all she has. So what if I sense she really does not want us here and can't wait for us to leave. Her problem not mine. She does realize this is not actually her house, right? No, really Victoria, it has never occurred to us, when we have been blue in the face telling Pierson to chew with his mouth closed for the millionth time, certainly you are the first person to notice it...." And on and on they went the endless commentaries, knowing I needed to find peace, and finding myself at war.

My mom had planned for our first day there to go to the Lebanese festival that afternoon and then a French Alliance gathering that night. She mentioned haphazardly the location in a sort of convoluted way. Mentioning it was where the fete de la musique had been, close to the convention center, she may have said Fayetteville Street, but it was in usual fashion mixed in with many other pieces of information, and it all began to seem a bit fuzzy. Somehow Calvin assumed it was at the convention center where the International Festival is held. To be honest, I was not that excited about doing anything that day.

I felt tired and stressed about the large amount of music I needed to learn and concerts I needed to finish organizing. I thought we would get to my mom's and completely relax, have a little less of children to take care of, and a comfortable easy going surrounding. Now we found ourselves with a busy day, a restless presence invading our cozy space and to amp it up just a little, Soren screamed the entire twenty-minute ride to the convention center, where the festival.....was not. Still screaming and trying to gain clarity as to exactly where we were going tensions rose. I was starving, and moody. For some reason (to be clarified shortly) Soren seemed like he had resorted back to infancy the past few nights and days and was wanting to nurse all the time. Eventually after a few heated exchanges we made it to the festival. We had some nice food and a decent enough time, but by the end, after a day in the hot sun, I was spent.

We decided to decline for the alliance event and take it easy. The next day we decided to go to a park for a run with the baby while Mimi and Pierson fished. My mom wanted us to go a way we were not familiar with. Once again, the directions were kind of half-mumbled as if we already knew where it was. We had no idea. Calvin and I are trying to figure out what and where she meant, with no help from the back seat. Then we hear that we passed it. Oh well. I lost it, not just a little, I mean completely lost it. I think 40 some years of feeling frustrated about poor communication skills came raging to the surface like a volcano. I think everyone in the car could not understand why I was so enraged. But my being exploded, "If you want something, just be clear, no one can understand what you want, or mean. It is beyond frustrating", and on it went.

The pain of wanting to understand, wanting to help, and feeling trapped in a cobweb of confusion and mixed half-messages and thoughts, never fully formed or expressed. Getting one aspect of the puzzle, while the voice trails off to another vague thought and then you can't hear at all. "Just a little clarity please, help us get directly from point a to point b." She says: "Well, I don't like to give orders". I say: "It's not about orders, you obviously do want us to go a certain way, to understand something, yet it is near impossible to figure out with the way it is expressed." It is the pain of wanting to understand, to help, to do, to give, and feeling trapped, not being able, not being helped. Willingness met with shut-down. Reaching out met with not being understood. Why is it so difficult? I am frustrated at the frustration, it should not be this complicated. Alas it is, and I reject this difficulty and herein lies the core of the pain.

My voice teacher once was talking to me about some problem, maybe tension in the jaw or tongue, or some other pesky inhibitor of beauty and freedom in sound. She said, "We can take twenty years analyzing to decide it's all your mother's fault, or we can just say relax the jaw. " So funny, yet so true.

Just as we finished up our first lap around the park, the baby began to vomit all over himself. That little voice inside felt just a little skeptical that he was being so relaxed in his little stroller, not complaining at all to get out as we leisurely made our way around. Ahh, yes, now it all makes sense. His stomach flu with fevers and severe diarrhea lasted a few days, then Calvin's started, and then Pierson's.

We called the brother as we were halfway through our vacation now, and planning to head to SC. We wanted to say, we are still willing to come, but things are not so hot, and we seem to have a highly contagious stomach flu on our hands. The response was “please come if you are able, we were so looking forward to the visit.” So, we did.

We arrived at our "stay to hotel" whenever we are in Charleston. We love it because they have a wonderful breakfast buffet where you can sit leisurely and have anything you could imagine. We got to the hotel that evening and noticed the breakfast area all boarded up, plywood covered. The hotel was in total make-over mode. No breakfast buffet, but there would be one little truck out back after you walk through the war zone, I mean construction zone, where you have the choice of an egg sandwich, bacon and sausage and eggs, or a yogurt parfait. The portions are minuscule and the quality lame. Calvin logs on to his computer to start work the next AM just as the drilling starts next door. For once Soren slept past 6, but Pierson wakes up screaming with stomach pains at 6:30. "Shhhh, you will wake up the baby". "It hurts AHHHHH!" "SHHHH, waaaaa, never mind baby is up.”

I need to get out, maybe I will go to the pool, it's a beautiful, sunny day. I set up my towel and books on the table next to me just as the construction truck pulls up to the dumpster beside the pool—Beep, Beep, Beep. Crashing boards, and fake marble bathroom fall to the bottom of the giant metal dumpster. I am done. Again, more done, though I thought it not possible. I go to a nearby trail, I put my iPod on and begin to run. The sun is shining on me, warming my being. The nature is beautiful, the air is fresh. I feel good, calm, happy for the first time in a few days. Then it hits me again. "Learning to not dislike the suffering". I have been fighting the suffering, I have been a warrior in battle, and I am losing. God is speaking to me. The beauty of his creation and endorphins are illuminating the truth. I feel rejuvenated, ok, with it all. I head back to the hotel. I look down as I enter the construction zone, my iPod is dead. I laugh, of course. It is dead, of course. “The LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” (Job 1:21)

Sometimes when examining the deep questions of life, spirit, existence we come to a point of clarity, the ever-famous ah ha moment in psychotherapy. We think we have got it. In a way, we have, our mind has opened a new portal, and a beam of light can shine through and illuminate that nook of darkness. But then there is a second aspect to those moments, or so I have found. Where God speaks to us and says, "OK, now you get it, time to be it." Time not only to understand in that nook but exercise that understanding through the fullness of your being.

You have analyzed and understood how to swim, you even swam a few laps in the pool, time to move to the ocean. I am now more fully and consciously embracing the idea of not disliking the suffering. This Easter our family photo was not one of bonnets and ties, spring colors and flowers, but rather four tuckered out tired people in my mom's cozy and welcoming bed. It's funny how now I think back on that picture with a certain fondness. It represents so much more than just how ill we all had felt. It represents spirit in action.

It represents cherishing even more all the in between moments on that trip. Those moments that despite all the hardships, there was still beauty, kindness, sharing and communion. Somehow, those moments feel just a little bit sweeter than usual.

Upon return to Raleigh we found out Victoria has caught the stomach bug too. I feel compassion, it feels good to feel compassion. That compassion that felt so hidden and lost just a few days prior. The good and the truth seem to be amplified now, the hardships have done their good work. He is risen indeed!