The In-Between Places

Being on a spiritual path is a process. Some landmarks stick in the mind as particularly significant. Certainly a pivotal moment is when conversion takes place. For some this is dramatic, while for others it seems to have crept in almost unnoticed. However one arrives, there are those moments, conversations, words, that change what was into what is, and life will no longer have the same trajectory. A life lived in the world with tasks and goals, although still in operation, takes place with a new backdrop. You are no longer your own entity (you never really were) but now it is apparent. The primary devotion in one's life and guiding principles now lie in something much greater than the individual. Now those priorities lie in the hands of the Most High, the Lord himself. We offer our whole selves, and he uplifts us.

Then there is the mundane, the ups and downs of life and humours. Some days, spiritual practice might feel more like rote than inspired. Yet it still brings something, however subtle, that is worthy of coming back to again and again. Somehow the more one comes back, the deeper one goes.

I have been thinking a lot about the in-between places. When one reads the Ten Commandments or Proverbs, it is quite obvious what is being asked and the subsequent warnings of disobedience. Yet life is never quite that straightforward; we know what we should do and don’t and know what we shouldn’t do and do. So in our fallen human nature, there we find ourselves from time to time. 

Then there are those times where we have to wonder what exactly matters most. Jesus shows us that the true master is a servant. We are to love our neighbors as ourselves.Hmm, loving myself feels awfully hard at times, especially when I fall into the slippery places of knowing and doing anyway, or not doing and thinking maybe I should be doing this or that.

Modern psychology has coined the idea “you cannot love another, if you do not love yourself”. Admittedly, there is some truth to that, but I am not sure how functional that kind of logic is.

It seems we have figured out all kinds of affirmations to say: ‘I am beautiful as I am’, or ‘I am smart, strong, capable’. The list goes on. We can put days aside to specifically pamper ourselves with self love and care. Now all of these things may indeed have something to offer in and of themselves. 

I am the first to admit, despite a rather tight budget in general, one thing I enjoy doing is having my nails done. I enjoy the relaxing massage chairs. The pretty results and the practical aspect of not having to deal with fingers or toes for four to six weeks. But at the end of the day, do any of these things actually make me love myself more and therefore make me better at loving my neighbor? I am not convinced. Once again, I think Christ gives us the answer in that non-worldly upside down way. Christ the Lord of the universe fell down on his knees and washed his disciples feet. Maybe when we love those around us by serving them, the very act of serving the other is precisely what pulls us out of our own inner focus on ourselves and actually allows us to properly love ourselves?

The other day I was at the pool and I was meditating. I had my prayer beads and was doing my mala japa (repeating prayers with the beads). My eyes were closed and my legs in a cross-legged position. It was pretty clear I was engaged. An older gentleman got in the pool and addressed me — “it’s cold”. I politely acknowledged him with a head nod and smile and went back into meditating. However, he persisted and started addressing me again. In that moment I was struggling with, ‘do I finish my meditation or allow this person to engage me?’ I went with the latter and he made small talk for a bit, then as the conversation subsided naturally he said,“I will let you go back to what you were doing”.

It was not until a little later that I felt irritated. I had given this older gentleman the benefit of the doubt that maybe he didn’t realize I was busy. I thought, ‘well, maybe in his mind the pool is a place for social interaction and that was just par for the course’. Shortly after our conversation I noticed he had installed himself next to the bar and was talking with the person working there. Clearly he wanted to connect with people. 

I probably spent way too much time thinking about these things, but it seemed to me one of those in-between places. On the one hand that person, that situation in some measure, was all part of God’s plan. I chose in the moment to be empathetic and compassionate to this strangers' needs/desire”. Afterwards though I could not help but feel he had been disrespectful. He knew I was engaged in some measure and chose to ignore my “needs/desire” because at least to him, his were more important. So there we find ourselves, in the in-between place. I give up myself for you, but part of me feels angry that the other was not honoring. In an instant one is deciding offering compassion and empathy, and giving up for the other, or honoring what is important to me and a meaningful part of my day. 

In the end we all make these little choices with consequences all the time. We want to do what’s right and good and at the same time we don’t want to throw pearls to swine. The in-between places. This whole pool story in the grand scheme of things is of little significance, except for the mind commotion it created. The reminder of the dualities that pull us from those blissful moments of communion. It did bring me back to a giving up of ourselves and our own desires. We are called to that, but it’s not always so obvious in any given moment what that means. When we do give up of ourselves are we able to trustfully surrender to the process and not hold onto the parts of ourselves that say ‘wait, what about me?’. There is a wrestling with our own being, and that is all part of the walk and the process. 

I listened to a meditation lecture and practice by a true master the other day. In fact I had listened to it a year earlier and gleaned a great deal, and the second time was no different in finding it very beneficial. One thing he said though seemed to really strike me in a new way this time. He said that the places that catch us up are often the places where we are or have been wounded. I thought about this in terms of my pool story and it made so much sense. This area is an area of wounding, a belief system I carry from my story. Whether rooted  in reality or my mind, the experience remains the same. The story is that most men are not respectful and honoring, and they push boundaries even when there has been clear communication. Without this already-accepted idea on some level in my consciousness, I would not have had the “after reaction” of feeling upset. I likely would have had the little exchange, and just simply gone back to what I was doing or not. No thought/ feeling wrestling, just a momentary letting go of my will to God's sovereign plan in action.

It is not always easy to love and serve the other and give up ourselves.  It is, however, our calling and what he did do for us. If we want to live in Grace,mercy, and forgiveness, then we must offer those things back to the world all the while aiming to continue to die to those little wounded parts of our souls that want to pull us out of truth.