Boundaries and Priorities

It seems to me it would be better if — instead of an introduction which might typically go something like: 

“Hi I am so and so . . .”, and in response, 

“Hi so and so, I am so and so . . .”, followed by, 

“What do you do for a living?”, 

— we started by introducing our names, and then followed by our respective priorities and boundaries for a given topic. Most people have very distinct priorities and generally where this treasure is, so lies their hearts. For some people this might be their children, spouse or family in general. For others, maybe their career, personal passion, political cause etc. 

Knowing the heart is fragile and something to be dealt with care, maybe once we acquire the understanding of where their hearts lie, we tread lightly. Perhaps we do not tread at all and merely allow the space for the other to elaborate or express this arena freely. Not adding or judging just allowing. Then if we wanted to approach any given subject we might say,”What are your boundaries in regards to such and such?” Then right up front we could respond with, “Oh ok, my boundaries are this”, then we could allow people to see it is just a boundary and not a personal affront or insult.

I am reminded of a recent visit with a sister-in-law. She is single and is on some on-line dating sites. We proceeded to talk about encounters, success in this area etc.

She then mentioned coming across someone in a triangle (three-person relationship). She proceeded to say how this just seemed off and wrong, maybe unnatural, that there were most likely other issues that are underlying when people were comfortable engaging in these types of relationships. 

Later that evening a different conversation came up, this was in regards to her parents non-acceptance of unmarried couples having intimate relations, particularly under their roof. She was both furious and disgusted with this idea and expressed herself quite clearly on the matter of her disapproval. 

I thought to myself, isn’t it funny that she herself can have such a clear boundary in the realm of sexual expression, but her parents having a different boundary—albeit essentially both boundaries—could exude such a reaction. 

I am sure she was completely unaware of the complete acceptance of a boundary in her own esteem and the total rejection of another boundary in the same realm. I was not there to point it out to her, but it struck me as curious nonetheless. If subjects were approached in a neutral manner, and any boundary in and of itself—is acceptable and does not have to correspond with the others boundaries, so many needless confrontations, animosities, relationship ruptures could be avoided. 

The key seems to be a spirit of humility. Ascribing themselves to what one knows, or at least feels to be genuinely good and right, all the while maintaining that they do not necessarily know what is good and right for any given person at any given time. Sometimes entering strongly into a “wrong” can lead one to a convicted right and good. So the question remains was it truly a wrong, or maybe just a step on the pathway to something better?

Is outside imposition really effective or does true transformation begin from the deepest recesses of our own being? I think about this a lot. My thought is that both are important. Sometimes that outside push and using the will towards good in turn transforms the spirit. Other times quiet reflection and allowing a process to unfold bring about a real, but subtle and gentle shift. God helps those who help themselves, and yet all true transformation is the work of the Holy Spirit. 

Life is complex and beautiful, people are complex and beautiful too. Too often something simple is made complex with out reason, causing unnecessary pain and strife. Christ leads by example. Sensitivity to the subtle and humility go a long way both in bringing us closer to Him and being able to truly love our fellow man.