Sacred Dance

So here goes nothing.

About ten years ago it was suggested to me to write....

I do not actually consider myself a procrastinator, but maybe that is an issue to examine for another day. Oh, yes, occasionally I go through phases of writing my dreams, or a journal entry here and there, but in more recent years the urge has actually become strong. Sometimes I feel an inspired voice in my head, ready to write, but then time goes by, busy with all the activities of a middle-aged house wife with two children. There is singing and yoga, shopping, laundry and a daily spiritual practice. Which is usually what the voice in my head wants to talk about, think about, discuss, understand and share.

Today the crux of my meditation and prayer session is the idea of action/reaction. Is there such a thing as having it all? Or does one truly have to give something up to gain something greater? This question has come to the forefront of my mind recently as I decided to give up alcohol in order to be more holy. Okay, I realize that sounds really presumptuous, but when I think about it deeply this is the truth. No, I do not think drinking alcohol is morally wrong and me not drinking it does not make me any holier than you if you enjoy a glass of Cabernet at the end of your day.

I am not an alcoholic, not even a heavy drinker. I am probably what most would consider a moderate drinker, perhaps two drinks, at very most two and a half, on a given night once a week, or on a date night -- maybe a little more often during vacation, or over holidays, maybe less during busy life. Drinking has never caused problems with my relationships or work.  I did go through a short period of heavy drinking in my early twenties when I worked at a restaurant as a waitress. I did not enjoy the work, and this was the culture of work and after work practice. Thankfully this was relatively short lived period. And yet, I find this recent decision has shifted a great deal.

In Yogic philosophy, it is important not to create conflict of mind. I found that drinking alcohol, even moderately, did create some conflict in my mind. As a practicing Christian, obviously the idea of giving up something in order to gain something greater is paramount.

Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. "For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. "For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?" (Matt. 16: 24 - 26)

 And this is where I found myself today, at the cross. More on that later.

So the other night was my husband Calvin's work Christmas party. Our babysitter was an half an hour late. As a nursing mom I was hungry as usual, and even more so not having had a snack in order to better profit from all the good food I knew would be at the party. However, unlike past years, something in me felt calmer. I was not looking forward to my holiday cocktail to take the edge off of a stressful season. I knew that was no longer the case. In the car on the way over I looked over at Calvin -- it was okay that we were late, that I was hungry, that I decided no longer to drink. I felt a sense of peace in that moment. Something in me had shifted and it was nice.

At the party we had our hors d'oeuvres and dinner and deserts. And then something happened -- those around me began to get their second glass of wine or after-dinner scotches, people were dancing and being merry, and I began to think to myself 'well, there really is no harm in having a little drink. It is fun, festive, lightens the  mood, and makes one merry'. There it was, temptation -- subtle and justifying, never something that bangs you over the head, but rather creeps in harmlessly and begins a small tug. But then I just let it go.

A slow song came on and Calvin and I got up and danced. I was not a little bit merry and detached floating in my mind from a cocktail. I was there, fully there, just like that moment in the car, but more so now because we were wrapped in each others arms slowly swaying. It was sweet, beautiful and perfect, and felt filled with meaning.

During that little moment of temptation to go back to an old way of doing things, I thought about my "persona" --  a fun loving girl who loves getting dressed up and being fun at a party. Yes, maybe I am shedding that skin to a more calm peaceful person who does not need to rush to get there, but can just be where I am and content for a moment, that can lead to the most beautiful moment of the evening. Yes, I gave up something small, a little aid in being light-hearted and festive, but I gained a sense of peace and presence worth so much more.

Perhaps I have died to a little bit of hot pink and sparkles, but what has been born is a pool of colors with depth and subtlety, that shift and change -- and their beauty is never-ending.